"The evil that I will not to do, that I practice."

So, I'm kinda having a rough time in focusing. I am pretty diligent in reading the Word but I'm having a difficult time "feeling" like I am being a doer of the Word. I'm irritable lately..Not angry or anything, but irritable. It really frustrates me because I can't get focused on chilling out my tone of voice toward mom..It's partly due to me tired of being in the house all the time which makes me bored and in turn, makes me sleepy and that makes me irritable because I don't feel like talking to anyone or answering questions if I can't wake up. I irritate myself a lot with it and feel like God is frowning on me, which is of course ridiculous. The Word says that is the Spirit inside me telling me I'm acting out of my true identity in Christ. I feel really uncomfortable when it happens. Not sick or anything..Just uncomfortable and uneasy, yet I continue in it after I confess it over and over. I always end up going back to half heartedly cleaning the house and being irritable with mom. I feel a lot like Cheyenne in the TV show Reba. There is an episode where she is pregnant and moody and yells at her husband Van across the room and says "Stop breathing down my neck". I sort of feel the same way with people when I'm in this mentality of just frustration from lack of self-control of my behavior.

I'm not so much legalistic. I just hate not being able to be perfect..I know I can't be perfect and I know the Christian life isn't about being perfect, but the Spirit of Christ is perfect and it hates the flesh and the flesh hates the Spirit.

Writing helps me understand what I'm feeling and what is wrong, so if no one reads this, I don't care. It helps me with understanding myself.

"Yet it was the will of the LORD to crush Him; He has put Him to grief."

"Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 5:2

I took this from a book by John Piper called "50 Reasons Why Jesus Came To Die". I thought Piper described some things beautifully in it.

Jesus did not wrestle His angry Father to the floor of heaven and take the whip out of His hand. He did not force Him to be merciful to humanity. His death was not the begrudging consent of God to be lenient to sinners. No, what Jesus did when He suffered and died was the Father's idea. It was a breathtaking strategy, conceived even before creation, as God saw and planned the history of the world. That is why the Bible speaks of God's "purpose and grace, which He gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began" (2 Timothy 1:9).

Already in the Jewish Scriptures the plan was unfolding. The prophet Isaiah foretold the sufferings of the Messiah, who was to take the place of sinners. He said that the Christ would be "smitten by God" in our place.

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities....All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. (Isaiah 53:4-6)

But what is most astonishing about this substitution of Christ for sinners is that it was God's idea. Christ did not intrude on God's plan to punish sinners. God planned for Him to be there. One Old Testament prophet says, "It was the will of the LORD to crush Him; He has put Him to grief" (Isaiah 53:10).

This explains the paradox of the New Testament. On the one hand, the suffering of Christ is an outpouring of God's wrath because of sin. But on the other hand, Christ's suffering is a beautiful act of submission and obedience to the will of the Father. So Christ cried from the cross, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?" (Matthew 27:46). And yet the Bible says that the suffering of Christ was a fragrance to God. "Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (Ephesians 5:2).

Oh, that we might worship the terrible wonder of the love of God! It is not sentimental. It is not simple. For our sake God did the impossible: He poured out His wrath on His own Son-the One whose submission made Him infinitely unworthy to received it. Yet the Son's very willingness to receive it was precious in God's sight. The Wrath-Bearer was infinitely loved.

All that is required on our part is that we repent of our sins and trust Jesus Christ's precious payment for our disobedience and we will have been "Blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ" (Ephesians 1:3).

The only way to enter heaven is to receive it through Christ. Thank God He didn't make it complicated or uncertain.

Mmm

It's 6:00 PM and I am currently typing in this blog and cooking fish-sticks. My stomach feels like it's eating itself and I have drank a little too much coffee today. I fell asleep trying to will myself awake today. I can't get myself awake unless I have coffee. That is partially because I don't eat very healthy. I need to knock off the junk food for a while.

Anyway, I've been reading "Grace Amazing" by Steve McVey. He is my new favorite author/teacher right now. I've really been blessed by his books. He has made a lot of the scripture I thought I knew come alive. I've really come to understand some of Jesus' sayings more. I really wish Steve would do full study of Hebrews. That would be great. I definitely intend on reading more of his books.

Anyway, my food is done..Short update but whatever. I only wrote to pass the time waiting for my fish-sticks to get done. Yum yum, eat 'em up!

Just trying to harness my thoughts

Today is a better day than yesterday so far.

I'm plugged into my ipod at the moment. I'm learning so much and unlearning some things in my faith right now. It's amazing how Christians readily believe following the ten commandments have nothing to do with salvation but everything to do with sanctification. Yet the Bible says we have died to the law. The ten commandments purpose was to drive us to the end of ourselves and show us our need of a Savior, yet we still try and live by the ten commandments when Jesus and many others in the Bible say that it is impossible. I'm learning that is a huge reason why the body of Christ isn't feeling the joy and peace Jesus talks so much about. We just can't get our minds around the fact that we are accepted by what Christ has done. Nothing more, nothing less. Then we wonder why it's so hard to bring people to Christ. It's because we lay more on them than we ourselves can even bare. "You must not read Harry Potter, you must not smoke, you must not drink, you must not, you must not, you must not", like it's our job to get them to quit living in sin. We have completely missed the point. Christianity isn't about following rules, it's about following Christ. If Christianity was just about rules and regulations, what would separate it from any other religion? It is about Christ. A loving relationship with God through Christ. Growing in the knowledge of Him through His Son Jesus. Jesus saves. Jesus Sanctifies. The power of a loving relationship with Christ changes peoples hearts. Why didn't I see it before? I remember when God first turned my heart toward Him. I wasn't motivated to stop sinning because I thought I would go to hell, but because I found out God wasn't who I thought He was. My love for God changed my attitude toward sin.


Love fulfills the law. "His law is love and His gospel is peace." Jesus said plainly: "If you love Me, you will keep my commandments." He is saying keeping His commandments is a result of loving Him. The reason it's so hard for us to understand the Bible most of the time is because we look to closely at it. Jesus spoke plainly about everything.

The way to live a better life isn't following laws. The Bible says the law is the "ministry of death."
and "By the works of the law, no flesh shall be justified." What is the purpose for the ten commandments? To show us our need for Christ. The Savior, Redeemer, the Way, the Truth and the Life.

The law entered so that the offense (sin) might abound the Bible says. In other words, The ten commandments came so that you would sin more, not less. By this, God was trying to show us that we can't keep His law. Besides..how can you keep a law you have already broken? You only have to break it once and you're "Guilty of all" James says.


I'm not trying to say it's ok to sin. It isn't. I'm saying that even if you were to stop sinning or started "trying your best" to be a "good" person won't save you. Neither do I condone smoking, drinking or any other sin. I'm simply saying quitting these in order to make yourself righteous (right with God) won't work. Quitting these things are a result of being right with God.

"He who has the Son has life. He who does not have the Son of God does not have life."

I can't wake up. Even after my strong coffee. It's like it made me even more tired.

Anyway, today isn't starting out very well. Every time I read Hebrews, I get a little uneasy. It is a scary book to read if you don't understand a lot of it. And I don't understand a lot of it. I kind of use the "I'm not a Hebrew so it doesn't pertain to me too much" theory. I say that jokingly of course. But I would really like to have someone with a lot of wisdom guide me through it. I'm trying to learn no matter what I read, I know the gospel. "Believe on the Lord Jesus and you will be saved." My faith tends to hug Him tighter when I read passages I don't understand and it helps a lot.

But yeah, it still kind of makes my intimacy with God a little more on edge when I read something I don't understand. God will carry me through it and teach me.

"Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day."

So, God is deepening my relationship with Him through Christ Jesus. It is hard to remember that good behavior doesn't cause God to love you more than He already does. Christ has made me "acceptable in the beloved." I can't add anything to that and it hurts my human mind because it is a total reversal in thinking. Faith, in a way, is hard work. It isn't physical (though physical actions will result from it) but it is the most simple, most complicated work there is. Especially when you're basically sitting at home most of the time learning simple stuff. We always want to go straight for the big things I guess.

So, the most important thing for me to realize is "It is all small to God." and my behavior has nothing to do with making myself acceptable or lovable in the sight of God. Jesus is my Savior. I don't save myself, nor do I add anything to what He has done. "Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?"

I'm glad not to have my own righteousness. Which would be painfully pitiful. Yet..I still see myself wandering away and trying to make myself better or more presentable rather than to stay humble and acknowledge that not only do I need help..But I am completely dead without God working in me.


But writing about this helps me pinpoint my problem and find the source of my discomfort. So if I write about the same thing over and over...It's probably because I'm just going through it myself and figuring out what I need to do. (or not do)

"Bless the Lord, O my soul who redeems your life from destruction!"

So I'm nearly done with the book Grace Walk, which I'm sure to read over and over because these truths are hard not to forget, believe and understand. The Bible, spiritual truth and Jesus' teachings are nearly always contradictory or are in complete opposition to human understanding and logic. It is paradox after paradox. What may seem passive to us is actually labor.

The gospel is so controversial and so hard to comprehend because it involves nothing other than trust. No works, no, nothing of yourself. It is all grace. Unmerited favor, mercy, undeserved kindness and so forth. In which you, if you knew my past, would think I would be the best Christian in the world seeing as how lazy I have always been. But trusting is the hardest work we will ever have to do. I'm struggling with it. Sometimes I'm going strong, full of joy and rest, peace and love..and other times I start to think "Is it really this easy?"


This teaching, or I should say truth, has completely reversed what I thought. After reading the book 7 Biblical Truths You Won't Hear in Church by David Rich and Grace Walk, I've totally ran into one of those huge brick walls called "Duh!". I get so excited when I meditate on it and realize that the strength, goodness, ability and freedom doesn't come from me mustering up obedience and good behavior. Jesus said plainly "If you love Me, you will keep my commandments." Loving Jesus, abiding in Him, trusting in Him naturally produces a Godly life. We can't change ourselves or "clean up our act". Jesus said "Apart from Me you can do nothing." Which is to say "You can't do it, so let me." How exciting, motivating and amazingly wonderful is grace? God does it all for us. Our "work" is to trust. "This is the work of God, that you believe on Him whom He sent."


Salvation, going to heaven is just the beginning. God has so much more for us than we can imagine. Jesus has accomplished it all in one act. Salvation, sanctification and glorification.

"It is finished!"