I'm not really this articulate in person

Currently, my ears are sore from listening to the ipod continuously. I really need to buy some plugs. These huge ear muffs are ridiculous and they hurt after awhile.

I just had some coffee and I am sitting here doing nothing productive. I got a devotional by Don Piper, the guy who wrote 90 Minutes In Heaven (awesome book) and I am just reading random devotions to get a better understanding of his beliefs. He has some very moving words in it. I, in particular, love the fact that he is Baptist. If not for non-denominational, I would definitely be in a Baptist church. Sometimes I feel myself wanting to find a Baptist church. But not the little country ones. I have problems with country stuff. I don't particularly believe in country. nascar, (I refuse to give it the honor of capitalization) and nascar paraphernalia should be considered sinful.


Anyway...I guess I am doing fine today. I would much rather have the ability to fly and get away from the world for a few da...Years. =)

Faith. Fahti? htiaf? FAITH!

I'm feeling kind of tired at the moment. It was a rough night with stressful dreams, as usual.

I'm trying to learn how to deal with my anger and irritability. I can suppress it myself a little while, but in the end, I always end up being a failure, feeling exhausted, discouraged and completely drained. Then I feel condemned and it takes a few more days to get my mind refocused on Christ and to start all over again. I'm trying not to do that again, but it's hard. I can pray and pray about it, but anytime I'm irritated, I feel my flesh rise up and want to lash out. It has gotten much better since I became a believer..It's more just irritable attitudes sometimes now, but it still frustrates me. I hate it.


Sometimes I just wish people wouldn't aggravate me so bad. But I know that isn't the solution. I need to find the solution to my own problem with irritability.


I get sick of being inconsistent, lazy, fearful and faithless. Some days I feel like I can move mountains, other days I feel like I want to crawl in a dark place so I don't have to look at how filthy I am anymore.

But, thank God that my acceptance is not based on my performance, but on Christ's.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jesus...Sometimes I have nothing left in me but the words "have mercy". But the thing is...I'm not really going through anything hard..and that's the problem. I don't know how to have faith if I am not going through hard situations.

It is one insane mind maze. I just don't have the brain power or wisdom to work it all out in my head. My battlefield is my mind. I'm used to physical battles. I wish it were something like a physical injury or a broken heart or stress over finances..something I could see.


I can't see anything sometimes. I even forget how to have faith. How stupid is that?

Holy is the LORD God almighty

Today was awesome. I was very afraid earlier today before hanging out with my cousin Paul for the first time in a long time. We talked a lot..I look forward to talking a lot more with him.

We went to see Night at the Museum with Ben Stiller. It was a good movie apart from being under the air conditioner when it's already like 30 something outside. I had a really good time though.

It was also very humbling to have someone you have betrayed in the worst way, take you to a movie and buy you food. It hurt a little to be honest, but It was amazing to see that kind of forgiveness. He was very respectful and understanding about my faith in Christ which really comforted me..He is the first one to recognize that I am not the person I was which made me extremely happy..I was so glad he could see it. Not so much because I want to say "hey, look at me, I'm a good boy" ...I just hate being associated with the person I used to be.

I was a little excited when he started asking me questions about my faith and it kinda came out like it always does..in this huge, bundled up ball of Christian doctrine. But I tend to talk a little too much when it comes to my faith. I get a little ahead of myself. God has to remind me during those times. I will hear something inside me say "calm down and let him speak".

I'm so thankful for such a beautiful cousin. I can see God working in his heart. I can see God working..I see things unfolding. I still can't make much sense out of somethings, but I see God doing things in different areas of my life. He is so amazing, faithful and wonderful.

Thank you, Lord Jesus. I love you.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus"

I despise these clouds of condemnation that come over me, yelling at me that I am not a doer of the Word and I am a hypocrite and I do not have faith in Christ. I don't want to be a people pleaser, but I don't want people to be angry with me. Especially those I love. I'm thankful no one has gotten angry at me for my faith, but I'm scared I will offend someone and then try to compromise my morals for their sake. I know I'm stupid and weak and mess up all the time. I hate messing up. I hate being a failure..I hate being a coward. But at the same time, I do get scared and I do want to crawl into a hole and hide.

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

There is also another voice in my head. These voices are not audible, nor are they words of thought..But the voice basically says to me "You know the Truth". But it isn't as strong as the one screaming condemnation.

I know the truth..why am I afraid? Spurgeon said it best I think: "Thou art not saved because thou art righteous. Did Christ not die to save sinners?"

I don't want people to think I am a fake, but at the same time I don't want to care what they think. I love God and I want to follow Christ. I am not perfect by any means, but I don't enjoy being imperfect. I don't try to use the whole "I'm not perfect" as a cop out Christian excuse either. I literally mean I'm not perfect and I can't bear it sometimes. I don't do all the right things, I don't pretend never to be a hypocrite, because I am always learning, growing and changing..Yes, I am a hypocrite. I despise it when I catch myself being hypocritical. I despise being imperfect and I despise being inconsistent in being consistent to strive toward perfection. I get tired at times and just feel the need to yell out "Father, have mercy, I'm a worthless sinner!"

Regardless of all this, Jesus is where the tension subsides. He just gently, through His Spirit, tells me to trust Him and His perfection and not my own.

Thank you, Lord Jesus.

"By You purified."

It is 12:19 in the AM and I'm at the computer talking to my little brother Joshua. He reminds me a lot of myself in some ways. Especially with his attitude toward girls. He wants to be good and kind to the person he is with. My prayer to God is that He would become a strong soldier for the Lord Jesus. I want my little brother and my mother to be transformed and saved by Jesus' blood through faith.

I want them to be with me in heaven. I love them both so much. I could give my life if it meant in anyway helping in their salvation. I understand what Paul meant when he talked about "I could wish that I myself were accursed from Christ" if it meant the people he loved could be saved.

I can only hope my dad was a believer. There is one moment I remember with him I sort of cling to. He once cussed in front up me, then he looked up and said "Forgive me, Lord".


Anyone reading this, please pray for them. They are precious to me.

Refiners fire

"He gives and takes away, but my heart will choose to say, blessed be the name of the Lord."

My brother Ronnie is so deep rooted in Christ. It encourages me so much. He has clung to Christ and God has upheld him with His righteous right hand. God is beautiful and faithful. I adore Him.


He has been such a faithful friend to me and I hope I will be to him as well.

"Let all within us, praise His holy name."

Not much going on today. Ronnie and I are suppose to hang out tonight. I always look forward to that. He is such a wonderful friend and brother. I couldn't have asked for a better brother in Christ.

I'm plugged into the ipod. Could you have guessed? I'm really starting to dig classical more and more. Mostly because I can read and listen at the same time. I can't have lyrics in music and read at the same time. I've had the song "Now We Are Free" from the movie Gladiator playing heavily lately. I've never seen the movie and after hearing the song, I'm kind of afraid to watch it because I don't want it to mess up the song. The song, for some strange reason, reminds me of the apostle Paul. Not sure why..Must be the whole Roman influence. It's beautiful.

Other than that, I've just been cleaning and reading more of the Old Testament. 1 Kings actually..God has put a desire in my heart for it. I've read the New testament over and over, so this is a good learning experience and very interesting seeing Old Testament prophecies connect so well with Jesus. Also, a few things I had heard but never knew the extent of..Like how rich and wise God had made Solomon. Crazy stuff. You also get a sense of exactly how much mercy Jesus brought, reading the OT. Those guys before Jesus had it hard..It really makes you cling to Jesus at times when reading it. It is scary without Jesus.

God is amazing and is working on me always. I love Him and my brothers and sisters He has given me in Jesus so much. I adore them all. I adore God.