"I fell at His feet as a dead man."

I want to go back to the time when I constantly spoke with God and sought for him, whether out of fear or obligation, to me, it's irrelevant. but I want so much to go back to the first year I was a believer, anxious and afraid though I was, I miss those special times when I was outside at night all by myself, praying, gazing at the stars, trembling before such a beautiful, terrible God.

The God I met at the first was a God with a violent passion against sin, so much so that he poured out his wrath against disobedience and wrongdoing on his own Son. The God with the apparent conflicted feelings of wrath and love. Wrath for the sin, love for the sinner.

I want to stand before the one true God, not a God I have made up in my own mind by my own theology. Who am I to think I can understand him and his ways? Why does God choose to save some and not others? I don't know! He doesn't give me an answer. He simply replies through His servant Paul, "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why have you made me like this?' "

I can't say I understand this God at all. Nor can I say He doesn't frighten me. He does.

I want to worship the God I met in the beginning. The one before whom I stood in awe and fear of. I don't want to create a God in my own mind who looks at sin with the attitude of "boys will be boys". I want the God of the Bible; the God of Jesus Christ.

Renovating the Mind

For the past year I have been absolutely miserable. My Christianity seems a far cry from what it was the first year I became a believer, and I look back at that first year with n extreme longing for things to be the way they were before I committed myself to the message of the "Exchanged Life" or "Grace Walk". Though I believe I, myself, am to blame for my recent turmoil much more than the teachings I have been listening to the past two years.

I have seen things missing in the grace community, such as the exhortation for good works, renewing the mind with the words of God in the scriptures, constant prayer and vigilance and the need for endurance.

I have long since concluded, though I have been hesitant to speak boldly on it, that the idea that someone is once-saved-always-saved is a bit misleading. I agree to an extent, however, I do not agree that one may trust in Christ at a single moment in time and later, by persecution or what have you, renounce his faith in Christ and maintain his salvation. That is a lie.

The one who endures to the end will be saved.

The greek word for witness that is mentioned in Revelation is an interchangable word also meaning "martyr". One must never renounce his faith in His Savior and Lord; that would not be faith. Faith overcomes. Jesus said, "whoever loves his life loses it" and "whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple". A sincere faith requires sacrifice. Sacrificing this world for the next, and this life for the life of Christ.

I have sunk so low in the mire that God is now pulling me out of it by his power, giving me the desire to know truth from the scriptures. I've had it with books and what men tell me to do or not to do. By the grace and power of God, I will begin letting the Scriptures be my source for truth and the Holy Spirit as the revealer of truth.

I am sick of myself and others criticizing other Christians for petty differences. Jesus Christ DOES have commandments. He commands that we trust in Him and love each other just as He has loved us. This involves an act of the will on our part. We must be intentional in fanning into flame the gifts of God, keeping our minds rewnewed and encouraging one another on to love and good works. These things keep our heads way up the clouds where they ought to be.

I'm not so sure that one can be too heavenly minded and have no earthly use. If one's mind is constantly tuned into heaven, one has an easier time fighting temptation, submitting himself to Christ, and loving God with all his heart, soul, mind and strength.

We must be active. It's vital to our Christianity and our relationship with Christ. We must press on doing good, not growing weary. Definitely not from a desire to earn our salvation, but to keep up the transformation process and to have endurance.

Update

As some of you know, I recently was re-hired back at West Marine, and, as some of you know, I was forced to quit a second time because of the damage it did to my leg, and due to the fact that I start college this August and I can't balance a full-time job with classes; especially waking up at 2:00 in the morning for work and working at least 11 hours a day.

I have a good friend, Ronnie, who is willing to let me do some intern work for his business, building websites. This will definitely help me out as I plan on taking classes for web programming this Fall.

I have an interview tomorrow with Dunkin Donuts that I'm hoping goes well. One reason being that I plan on getting a Macbook laptop, which I now have justification for buying since I am looking to make a career building webpages.

And please, don't try to give me any 'advice' on my career path or your bleak outlooks in starting a career in building websites. I'll delete your comments and pay no heed of them whatsoever. So leave me alone, smarty pants and allow me to learn for myself.

That's all for now. Ciao.

I feel lonely and angry.

I'm tired of being by myself all of the time. I'm tired of being dependent on people, not knowing how the world works.

I'm tired of preachers who talk about nothing but behavior and what a 'true Christian' looks like. Have a dose of your own 'medicine'.

I hate Christian songs that remind me of all of the anxiety I went through just a few years ago as a believer. I hate songs that say "I will worship" or "I will do this and that". Then worship already and quit boasting about it.

I'm short and my balance is fragile. I don't think I will ever feel as though I am a man here on this earth.

I want to be selfish right now and I don't care.

I'm a Christian with a solid faith in Christ's finished work. That faith is constantly given to me as a gift by God, but I still get sad and angry and frustrated with this current life.

For the first few years as a Christian, I tried to change my behavior and even my personality, but I'm sick of all of the tweaking and correcting. I need to be loved as I am and not as I feel I should be. For too long I have believed that it was okay for others to receive unconditional love from God, but that it was selfish for me to believe in it. Allow me to indulge for just a while. I don't care if the world thinks I'm a bad Christian for it.

I'm tired and distracted.

I'm worn out from an old mentality that is repulsive to me now. The thought of even trying to do anything is nauseating and tiresome.

I need a job. I need to take care of myself.

"Deliver me from sinking in the mire...

Let not the flood sweep over me,
or the deep swallow me up,
or the pit close its mouth over me.
Answer me, Yahweh, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. Hide not your face from your son; for I am in distress; make haste to answer me."

I'm not the person I imagine myself to be.

I feel so vulnerable and weak.
I don't know everything.
I don't know much at all.
I'm not all that wise.
I'm just a kid.

There are so many times I want my Father, but I run to broken cisterns.

It isn't a guilt thing. I just wish I always chose what I really and truly desired.

It's strange. Sometimes I desire my relationships here on earth so bad, but I also desire to be with Him.

I feel pulled apart at the moment. I'm just writing for the sake of saying how I feel.