Complicated

I love the lyrics to this song. It's all about just being yourself. =)

Fruit or Behavior?

I understand now what Jesus meant by "Thus you will know them by their fruits".

Notice He doesn't say you will know them by their actions or by their behavior. He uses the idea of fruit for a very good reason. You see, a good man will naturally produce good and an evil man will naturally produce evil. "For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks".

Can you pick grapes from a bramble bush? How then can good fruit come from someone who has dedicated their life to Christ? If a good man, out of his good treasure, brings forth good, then what need is there in dedication and striving? Should not the work actually be then to simply remain in Christ?

Jesus said if you continue in His Word, you are His disciples indeed. What is His Word? Is it not the gospel? Why do we leave to Vine in order to try and produce something good for God? Is it not finished? Is He not also our sanctification and redemption, along with our salvation? Or does God's grace simply stop at the cross? Does it not go on to the resurrection?

This is very hard for me to articulate. But I hope and pray to God that this truth of the fruit of the Spirit would be a reality in my life. That I would simply "be" and cease striving and worrying.

Name Trouble

I've heard a few people on Xbox Live have trouble pronouncing my middle name. It's originally spelled Daylon, but to spice things up a bit, I spelled it "Daelon".

It's pronounced "Day-lon". Not "Day-lawn" lol.

My first name is Matthew. I prefer Matthew, but I'm mostly called Matt.

Embracing Freedom

Embracing freedom is possibly the scariest thing in the Christian life.

Just a little while ago, I was on Xbox Live with my little brother, Josh. I play for a good 2 hours. I didn't really want to play, but my brother wanted me to watch something, so I got on after I scarfed down a good helping of lasagna (which I also started to feel accusations for).

I felt as though I ought not play the Xbox so long. I felt I ought not have goofed off with my little brother so much. I felt as if I should have acted more reserved and holy. In the probably hour and a half I was playing, I was feeling so many screams of accusation, threats, and the need for re-dedication.

Then I ignored them. Then I felt like maybe I ought not ignore these accusations and things, because I might drift away from God and have the Word choked by cares, riches and pleasures of this life (which is one the "voices" favorite verses to use against me).

Freedom is scary. It makes me think I'm drifting away from God. I so dearly do not want to. I love God and I want to honor Him in all that I do, but I constantly feel I am letting Him down by spending too much time on the computer, video games, whatever.

I was just talking with my friend, Heather on myspace. She said that the road of grace is a lonely road. Indeed it is. A scary road. A hard road. Everything in your mind will threaten you and try to pull you back into religion. I love God! But I can't keep up the religious crap. It's duty with no heart in it. I can't have relationship with God if I'm constantly worried if I'm screwing up!

De-Organizing

We had an amazing day at our home group today. Amazing. I was so encouraged to simply "be". To quit trying to act so holy in front of people. Especially in front of people I have wronged. I have no right to puff myself up to be something I'm not. Especially in front of people I've committed horrible sins against.

I'm not saying I ruin wild, sin, and do whatever either. I'm simply saying I need to be myself. I need to quit analyzing every word, action, and thought when I'm with someone. I just need/want to be their friend. Neither do I want to do this in order to convert them. Thats also the wrong motivation. Of course, I would love to see someone saved. I wouldn't be much of a believer in what Jesus said if I didn't. But I refuse to proselytize anyone. I want to be free and I want them to be free. I want to be free from oppression. Simply freedom to soak in the love of God and allow Him to love others through me. I want the real stuff. I want simplicity. I want disorganization. I want to be imperfectly perfect. I want to be a fumbler and a bumbler so that people (including myself) can see that it isn't me, but God.

Craving God

It can be very difficult at times to be in love with God. There are intense moments where I can't find anything on earth to satisfy this craving I have inside of me for God. I try to think of things to do in order to experience Him tangibly. I can't think of anything to numb the craving or satisfy it. I understand C.S. Lewis' saying that if we desire something that this world doesn't offer us, obviously we are not of this world.

I find it much more fulfilling if I simply rest in Him. But slowing myself down in order to soak in Him is a job. I want everything at once. In my inner being, I am eagerly waiting for Jesus to return.

"What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him".

How much longer must we wait!?

Comments

I was exploring my blog features today and found out that my blog was set to where only registered members could comment. Sorry if anyone out there has wanted to comment but wasn't able.

Now anyone can comment, registered or not. =)

The "Feeler"

I'm again just going to take this time to write out things I'm feeling that I know aren't true. I'm just trying to harness my thoughts.

If I am not spending most of my waking hours in conscious prayer or meditation on God, I feel insincere. I struggle to believe I have God's Spirit inside me, because I struggle with seeing my own faith in Christ's resurrection. I find myself worrying that I never really put faith in Christ's resurrection because I try to see my faith. I'm easily deceived into thinking I am the only person that goes through these attacks. I feel that if I really had faith, I would be some super Christian or I would at least be doing more than I am now. Why? Possibly because there is so much emphasis on obedience.

People have emphasized the importance of their service to Christ. But just the other day, Jesus' very own words came to my mind... "The Son of Man came not to be served, but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many".

I want obedience; I just have a big problem with slavery. I've told people before that if I could love God as much as I loved my ex-girlfriend, I would be the best Christian in the world. The best? How can I be better than Jesus? If every believer has His righteousness, then what qualifies as a "good" Christian? When I worry about my performance or my faith, I lose faith in Christ and my faith becomes directed towards my faith. I start to try to put faith in my faith and not in Jesus Christ. The enemy is very deceptive. I seem to fall for it every time...Though I am learning to stand my ground even when the feelings of condemnation and accusations are constantly crashing into my mind. When I give into this, I seem to be running in circles.

Day after day I sin. I'm slowly growing in grace. The accusations constantly seem to try and snatch away the seeds of the gospel so that I may not believe and grow. I can sometimes feel something stirring inside me, groaning, wanting to be released. This body often feels like a cage that prevents me from being completely free in the love of God. Sometimes I feel like I'm drunk. Like I don't really understand things very clearly. Especially God's grace. When I used to get drunk, people could mess with my head and really make me depressed. I feel sort of the same way with the accusations.

I struggle with living by faith that God has made me alive. I'm struggling to articulate exactly what tries to worry me. Sometimes I will hear something and it will cause my heart to sink. I'll feel an attack. I wonder how I'm suppose to habitually live by faith that Christ has made me alive. To habitually commune with Him.

I'm just expressing somethings inside that I don't really understand myself.

Be Yourself

I just got done playing Halo with my cousin and some friends. It was really good to have fun with them and refuse to feel guilty for it. There is an urge there that wants to make sure I said all the right things or whatnot. But I quit being religious. I just want to be who God made me to be. Anything else is pride.

Dead To The Law

"Some believe that as we live in Christ, we will keep the law. Even after understanding my identity in Christ, I held that view for quite some time, but I have come to be convinced that this viewpoint carries a subtle danger with it. To suggest that we keep the law implies that we still have some relationship to it, albeit a positive relationship. However, the Bible teaches that we have no relationship to the law at all- neither negative (breaking it) or positive (keeping it). We are dead to the law.

I know someone who never breaks a single law of the land. He never drives above the speed limit, never litters, never disturbs the peace, never does anything wrong at all. One might be inclined to say that he keeps all the laws, but I could argue the point. The person I'm thinking of is my grandfather. I'll tell you one more thing about him: he died years ago. Possessing that knowledge, would you say that he is keeping the laws of the land? Probably not, because you know that he has no relation to the laws of the land anymore. They simply have no relevance to where he lives today, in heaven. He has been "disconnected" from the law by virtue of his death. It would be absurd to insist that he is keeping the law just because he doesn't break it."

- Taken from "Grace Amazing" by Steve McVey

God's All Inclusive Love

"An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were filled with fear. And the angel said to them, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of a great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord."

I struggle with this. I was watching the movie Deck the Halls the other night and there was a scene where all the people started singing O Holy Night or something...

Anyway, I felt myself get angry because they were ordinary people. Sinners, the fundamentalists would call them. And I had to realize I'm no better than they are. Even if it was one day out of the year they acknowledged the Savior. I'm not advocating it...but I refuse to think I'm better than them. Jesus died for the sinners, not the righteous.

All people means exactly what it says.

Legalistic?

Alright, so maybe I'm being legalistic, maybe I'm not.

I can get on Xbox Live playing Halo 3 sometimes and someone says something crude or whatever and I'll have the "giggles" and laugh at it. Or simply playing the game alone makes me feel guilty. I'll start to goof off and cut up and I feel like I'm my old self. Not that I get crude or anything..I just goof off. I guess it's the pride in me that wants to act holier than thou and be very reserved or whatever.

One of my main concerns is that I will listen to a grace message or I will be refreshed in my understanding of it and in my excitement the first thing I do is run off to play a game, or whatever it may be. Then I feel guilty. I feel I squandered what I've just learned. I feel I should have used that time for prayer or meditation. But the reason I do this is because once I have filling of grace, I don't really know of anything else to do to experience God more, so I run off and do "secular" things. I think I may just be legalistic about this and hard on myself. I might need to lighten up, but one voice I hear is the parable of the four soils quoted to me about the Word being choked by cares, riches, and pleasures of this life. This makes me nervous.

What am I to do in order to have more of God? Pray? It's hard to slow myself down enough to pray when I get in these moods. I feel like some 8 year old kid diagnosed with ADHD who has juice around his mouth and sticky fingers.

In a Funk

I'm in this "funk" today.

I absolutely hate being lazy. But I also hate being a perfectionist.

Today I've just been lounging around, sleeping. I guess the same could be said for yesterday, apart from the 4 hours I spent at our home group.

I notice I feel anxious when I do nothing and I really dislike the feeling. I feel useless and out of touch with God. Like He is frowning on me or something. I know it isn't true, but I still get this feeling of anxiousness. I'm having a mild head cold and I can't seem to shake off the slouchyness. Argh. Times like these, for some reason, make me hesitant to read the Bible or hear grace messages. I simply feel unworthy for them when I'm just sitting around. I feel insincere or unworthy. Yuck.


I wish mom would wake up from the couch so I could wash dishes or do something! I hate lying around doing nothing!

Thank You

I just wanted to let everyone know that I do joyfully pray for everyone who comes here. I am very much encouraged by each and everyone person who comments and I'm thankful for all of you who read this blog and encourage me in the grace of God. I'm spoiled with all the encouragement and wisdom here.

Be Excellent To One Another

...Party on, dude!

Beetle Juice Soundtrack - 2

I never understood this, but I love it!!!

Beetlejuice - Day-O

One of my favorite movies growing up. I loved Tim Burton.

Back from School

I've said it once and I'll say it again: I am a typer. I am not a writer.

Carpal Tunnel, here I come.

Knowing God

I hear people sometimes talk about how it's not enough to know ABOUT God, but that you KNOW God. I completely agree and I'm not at all criticizing that idea. I just wanted to ask how you distinguish one from the other? How can I know that I know God and not just about God?

Bill Gillham

I just read this amazing article on indwelling sin by Bill Gillham that Gary linked me to in the comment section of my previous post. It has definitely helped me understand my identity in Christ more and how to live out of that. I don't think anyone could have articulated it better than this.


Here ya go: The Power of Sin

Stuff (I have difficulty coming up with titles)

I just prayed to God a lot of the things that go on with me. There was no condemnation or anything like that. It was just me speaking my heart to God.

I told Him I don't understand how He can like, let alone love someone like me. I said I was a mess. I am more than a mess. I'm inconsistent in all that I say, think, feel and do. I don't understand why He insists on loving me when, in all my understanding, I seem worthless. I'm not depressed or sorrowful or anything. I'm just genuinely confused about God's love. I think evil (and I do mean evil) thoughts. Sometimes they're evil desires, sometimes they're random thoughts. Even against my own brothers and sisters. I will criticize them in my thoughts. And He still loves me? I mean I knew He is faithful when we are faithless, but I had no idea how faithless I was until I tried to be faithful.

I'm not talking faithless in some areas or inconsistent in just some things I do. It's everything. I'm not perfect. No where near it. Perfection, and my actions are as far as the east is from the west. I'm a perfect, imperfect person. I'm righteous, but I'm unrighteous. I feel a lot like Alanis Morissette's song "One Hand in my Pocket". My actions are completely contrary to who I really am.


And I'm suppose to believe that God loves me? People call this easy grace? What a load of ignorance. How easy was it for Adam to approach God after he had sinned? To come before God, naked. Jesus was right when He said that people who do evil hate the Light and do not come to the Light, for fear that their deeds may be exposed. But what they don't know is the Light seeks to cover their nakedness, not expose it. And so they don't believe in God's love. Every time we hide from God, we're saying we need more sacrifice for our sins. But if you're looking for more, the writer of Hebrews (The Holy Spirit) said, "There is no longer any offering for sin." Stiff necked people resist the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Grace.

Do not let an evil heart of unbelief be in you even for a moment. While you were a sinner, totally unredeemed, God loved you with all His precious being. Do not take lightly the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Timidity

So I was having a great day today. Then I started thinking about how I need to be bold in my faith around people. I felt I didn't have complete faith in the gospel because I wasn't free from my shy personality. I feel so trapped and disabled in some ways. Sometimes I simply "lock up". I don't want to do something because it will attract attention to me or something. It can be very simple.


What caused this was listening to Bob George's latest sermon and he expressed what the parable of the four soils meant. Anyway, I felt my heart sink after I heard it. I felt I was someone who had no root in me. I felt that I soak the message of grace up at home, but in day-to-day living I sort forget and try to do things myself or I shy away from certain situations. So I've been trying to be more open and forward around people lately. I've had some success I guess. I try and remember who I am in Christ and that I shouldn't be afraid of anyone.

Scary stuff at times.

Quietness and Rest

The past few days I've been gliding in grace. It's be awesome. The scriptures fall into place when you view them through the lens of the New Covenant of grace.

I see that we have grace all backwards. We believe it is my commitment to Jesus so that He could forgive me. When in actuality, it is His commitment to me so that He could forgive me.

And so we see it is an insult to grace to dedicate my life to Jesus in order to get some acceptance or a badge or some form of approval. Each time we do this, we treat the precious Blood of the Covenant as an unholy thing. Because when you break it down and look at the reason behind your re-dedication, you see it is actually you trying to cover up your sins and mistakes by your good behavior and good deeds. You're playing a Wizard of Oz. Telling God to, "Pay no attention to my sin behind the curtain! Look at the flashy, magnificent show I have going on on the outside of it!"

If dedicating my life to Jesus worked, then why would I have need of re-dedicating? Why would God call me to fail at something over and over? Doesn't sound like Life abundant to me. It may look like Life, but it's only a mimicking of Life. And so you fail and burnout. Because man does not have Life within himself. If we want to act good, we need the Cause, not the effect. We need the root, not the fruit. Don't focus on the fruit, because it ain't your job. Which is why it doesn't say the fruit of the saint. It says the fruit of the Spirit. Try as you may to produce fruit, but you will just wither up.

Isn't it ironic people have used this verse to tell people that if they don't have fruit then they're not working hard enough or are not as sincere as those who work harder than the others? It speaks to the very people who struggle to produce fruit, rather than rest in the Vine.

Jesus told them He was the Vine. YOU are the branches. Quit trying to do the Vine's job. We are to bear fruit with PATIENCE. And so we STRIVE to enter that rest. Because, as Paul Anderson Walsh said once: "Everything in your mind will tell you, "I must not rest. I must work."