I need more time to be kind.

I'm a horrible representative for Christ. Horrible.

I want to love; not for my sake, nor to earn my way to God, but rather for the sake of others and their salvation. If I love, it needs to be for their benefit and for their correct perception of God.

I have a choice and I am not incapable of choosing.

I can choose to trust myself or Christ. I can choose to defend myself or believe God is my defense. I don't think, as a believer, that he ever stops being our defense, however, if we should choose to take matters in our own hands, we will reap certain consequences for those choices.

When I am insulted, abused, stripped of my dignity, my worth and my respect, I can choose to see what I cannot see; that God has crowned me, as a believer, with honor.

"I do not seek to glorify myself; if I glorify myself, my glory is nothing."

Tear Down This Wall!

In Christ, I know I am absolutely free of any condemnation.

However, my behavior matters to me possibly more than it did before relying on Jesus. Reason being, I am able to grasp the reason for morality and kind words. Previously, living under a taskmaster of my own creation, the rules were something I obeyed without questions or the need for explanation.

Grace opened my eyes to the world, in a sense. That did not, unfortunately, make it easier to practice morality. To the contrary... I was freed to reason and make my own choices.

While speaking with a friend a few weeks ago, he diagnosed my issue with extraordinary ease. He told me I was too well acquainted and reliant upon boundaries. Too often I have counted on my boundaries to keep me safe from harm, so much so that I have scarcely exercised my ability to make choices. Those muscles have long since become atrophied.

I take encouragement in my dissatisfaction and I know freedom will come eventually, albeit with a considerable amount of difficulty.