Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I've never had outbursts of anger before as I do now. I get very angry and then very ashamed of that anger. In the moment, I tell myself I don't care who sees. But I do care. Then I think of the person who made me angry and lash out at them in an effort to show them how much their attitude affects me, hoping they'll stop.

Wanting to maintain at least a shadow of what I once thought was mine, which was really just a self-righteous form of morality, I let the shame of that facade being exposed anger me even more. I try to justify my anger, but all it does is pour gas on the fire. Then I yell, cursing at God, telling him I must be another sad loss, who's end is to be cast into hell.

I feel like I've lost everything, and that other people have stolen it all. I can't take constant interactions with people. It drains me so that when I get home, I want to seclude myself as a monk so that I'm not tempted anymore, but that's a false form of godliness. Anyone's sin can sit dormant if they disconnect themselves from anything that may cause it to stir.

I need to learn the art of controlling myself in the midst of temptations, rather than fighting to keep temptations from happening. Trying to run from temptation is just fighting the symptom of the problem without getting to the root of it. But where do I get the strength to do it? I don't have the will anymore. I try to find something to turn the ignition for righteousness and to keep it's engine fueled, but it always ends up dying out. Then I find myself back in the same mess, and even worse than it was before.

I don't need counsel. I just need to know that's possible to escape this place I'm in. I need to know that someone has experienced exactly what I'm going through, but found their way out.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My mind is so much busier than it was when I was a newborn Christian. I have a lot more responsibilities than I did then. It was so much easier when I was 19, unemployed, had no bills to pay, and zero obligations.

It's a struggle to keep my mind on the Lord now. It was so much easier when there was no stress! I grieve when I remember the days I first knew the Lord. Everything was so new and exciting. It was like being in some dream.

It feels so far away now. Daily interactions with people are so exhausting that, on my weekends, I choose to stay completely secluded the entire duration.

I feel crowded, overrun, and pressured. I'm imprisoned by sin (the power) and the cares that ceaselessly pelt at my mind.

I wish I could throw it all away and live as a monk.

I don't care about making a ton of money. I don't care about having some silly education. I don't care about being smart or clever. I just want out of this, and I want the easy way out. You know, like winning a lottery, quitting my job, and living in a small house in some quiet place.