Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I've never had outbursts of anger before as I do now. I get very angry and then very ashamed of that anger. In the moment, I tell myself I don't care who sees. But I do care. Then I think of the person who made me angry and lash out at them in an effort to show them how much their attitude affects me, hoping they'll stop.

Wanting to maintain at least a shadow of what I once thought was mine, which was really just a self-righteous form of morality, I let the shame of that facade being exposed anger me even more. I try to justify my anger, but all it does is pour gas on the fire. Then I yell, cursing at God, telling him I must be another sad loss, who's end is to be cast into hell.

I feel like I've lost everything, and that other people have stolen it all. I can't take constant interactions with people. It drains me so that when I get home, I want to seclude myself as a monk so that I'm not tempted anymore, but that's a false form of godliness. Anyone's sin can sit dormant if they disconnect themselves from anything that may cause it to stir.

I need to learn the art of controlling myself in the midst of temptations, rather than fighting to keep temptations from happening. Trying to run from temptation is just fighting the symptom of the problem without getting to the root of it. But where do I get the strength to do it? I don't have the will anymore. I try to find something to turn the ignition for righteousness and to keep it's engine fueled, but it always ends up dying out. Then I find myself back in the same mess, and even worse than it was before.

I don't need counsel. I just need to know that's possible to escape this place I'm in. I need to know that someone has experienced exactly what I'm going through, but found their way out.


Joel Brueseke said...

I think the "found their way out" comes, not from thinking the flesh won't keep at us (as you say, rather than fighting to keep the temptations from happening or running from them), but from realizing that the Holy Spirit is the only One who effectively wages against the flesh.

It's not possible to escape the fact that the flesh will wage - and wage and wage - all the way up until our old age (as long as we're in these frail bodies), but it's possible (and necessary) to trust in the Spirit, even in the midst of it all.

Our eyes aren't to be on the overcoming, but on the Overcomer.

Matityahu said...

I know you're right, Joel, but the execution of it is...somewhat difficult.

I wish now I hadn't listened to a lot of the things I've heard from other people when our "grace community" began to expand. I even wish I had never even met them. I reckon that sounds harsh, but the advice they gave me did not benefit me at all.

I think it became one big circus. I should have listened to my instincts instead of my excitement. I should have had the courage to tell people "no" when I was pressured.

I know I'm being vague here, but that's because I'm a little reluctant to offend anyone who might read this.

Joel Brueseke said...

Yep, I hear you on all this, Matt. I fell for some of what you're talking about myself, and it would have been much better to not have ever even heard those suggestions in the first place. Not only have I had to detox from legalism, but from certain other things as well. I think people have had good intentions, for the most part, but just not good advice.

Manuela said...

I understand the struggle...
Just a thought- Maybe you are getting burned out and need a bit of a change?
I get "crazy" when overtired and recently had to cut back on a lot of stuff...