Friday, December 2, 2011

It's Me Again

Everything I desire to write would just be a rerun of previous blog posts.

I haven't made any progress, and at times, I find myself angry with people who tempted me to believe this grace message, yet I know it isn't grace causing me to live this way. To be honest, it's me causing me to live this way. It sounds extremely cliche, but I have been made free (from sin) by Christ. I have no excuse for my behavior, but don't know what it stems from. Perhaps it's my lack of communion with God. But how do I go back to disciplining myself when fear is no longer behind me, urging me forward?

Everyday is an obstacle-course of choices. Do I, in my stress, lash out in anger, or do I choose to trust God? I ignore the latter. I don't want God to work the situation out for good. I want the stress to go away.

Do I gossip about the person I do not like? Do I complain about them? Or do I consider their position? Do I put myself in their shoes? I grow desensitized in my selfishness. My judgment turns to rust and I make foolish assumptions about who they are.

I had no idea that only two years of legalism could have caused me to be so tired. Shouldn't I, after 3 years of knowing grace, have the energy to begin anew?

This quote from Lord of the Rings describes me best:

"I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread."

Friday, September 9, 2011

I'm stuck, entangled, caught, trapped, whatever. I'm miserable. I have been for some time now.

I want out.

I want to "breathe the free air again".

I don't want to be angry or selfish anymore.

Sin dulls everything.

To be free from the law and sin is to be completely free. I want to know that.

I went from one prison cell to another.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I'm taking a serious detox from the people and teachings I listened to. From them, I learned so much nonsense and lost that first love I had for Christ.

I feel like they stole it from me with all the stupid, contradicting messages I listened to.

They made God extremely unlikable and unrealistic.

I don't need them to tell me what He is like.

"They shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest."

I'm sick of properly dressed, type A personalities who hold your imperfection in the light, cracking the whip, burdening you to be better, more organized, more productive, more efficient in your evangelism, more consistent in your spiritual disciplines.

I wanna bleed all of it out and experience the real Christ and his real message.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Here I am, still making horrible choices, treating people like garbage, and I don't feel the strength to stop.

I still hate in my heart, I lust, and I fear other men. My mind is still set on this world.

The thing is, I don't feel guilty anymore.

I just want out of this mess.

I want to be free again.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Friday, April 22, 2011

I hate when I see a new believer, full of joy and and the Holy Spirit, succumb to a blabbering idiot, blabbering away about how much they need to start doing for God.

It infuriates me to think of anyone quenching the beautiful new love they have inside of them.

The love inside of them is more than enough to fuel them. There's no need in someone throwing guilt trips on them.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The irony of a legalistic person speaking against legalism is almost too much to bear.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

I used to think being a Christian shielded you from emotional hurts.


Friday, March 25, 2011

No Return Policy

You can sin as a Christian, but in my experience, you cannot fully live in it.

Something inside keeps you from being totally given over to it; totally deceived by it's lust.

What I am saying is that you can indeed give into it's desires, but you can not be it's slave. It longer has ownership of you. Christ made sure of that.

I can't fully be given over to anger. I belong to Another. He bought me and He keeps me because He paid the price for me in full; He didn't just put a down payment.

It isn't through my will power, but it's because He bought me. He paid for me and He got what He purchased. He predestined me to belong to Him, and He will have me, no matter what power seeks to buy me back. It's non-negotiable.

I am His because He made me His.

Friday, March 11, 2011

How Firm a Foundation

Can we really begin to be healed before we truly relax in the love of Christ and become utterly dependent on his grace?

The whole of Christianity is built on the foundation of Christ.

A correct view of mankind is understanding mankind is dead. Utterly helpless and lifeless, God, in his sovereignty, picks him up and breathes life into him. He causes us to stand. He holds us up.

True Christianity is Christianity that brings joy to a sinners heart because his eyes are opened to the reality that God does not require anything from him, but has himself provided the sacrifice needed to take away all judgment. True Christianity is all of God's doing and all of man's trust in that doing.

Christianity is that I do absolutely nothing but put my whole trust on Christ and Christ alone.

What distortion some will give the good news that God brings to the world. His news and his gift was intended to change a man's heart and draw him close, but these people scare the sheep away from their shepherd. I don't doubt the condemnation that waits for those who put a stumbling block in the way of someone who wants so much to trust in Christ alone, but is constantly hindered by false teaching.

"Anyone who causes one of these little ones who trust in me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a millstone tied around his neck and be thrown into the depth of the sea."

You can trust totally in Christ and rest assured his work is a sure work and his work paid the debt that was owed. He is strong enough to save you.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Sometimes I think the change is making it's way through, that God is working in me what he wills to do.

I get so low at times, thinking, "Look at where I've come from. I was beautiful and pure once. Now I've fallen back into things that I once strove to avoid."

But I just don't have the will or strength to fight it anymore. Not that I embrace it; just that I know I can't overcome it by my own strength.

Maybe this is the meaning of Christ displaying his strength in my weakness. Maybe it's in those fleeting moments of genuine care and compassion that the light of Christ peaks out through this fallen body. Maybe it's when I least expect it or am totally unaware of it.

After all, it seems to be that way with Christ's flock. They will ask him on that Day, "Lord, when did I see you and love you?" They were genuinely at a loss as to what he was talking about. They never even realized it was happening. It was all due to the power of a kind and gracious God, who slowly and gently worked in us to will and to do.

I want the real power of God to miraculously change my heart and my ways. I've seen first hand that the flesh can only give birth to flesh. Likewise, only the Spirit can birth true love into, and through, a person.

"Though I am very dark, I am lovely" says the bride.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Why is it that people tend to put education on a pedestal as though it were next to godliness?

It isn't. It doesn't make you a better person for pursuing an education.

It doesn't mean you're lazy and irresponsible either.

America puts far too much weight on one's education.