Everything I desire to write would just be a rerun of previous blog posts.
I haven't made any progress, and at times, I find myself angry with people who tempted me to believe this grace message, yet I know it isn't grace causing me to live this way. To be honest, it's me causing me to live this way. It sounds extremely cliche, but I have been made free (from sin) by Christ. I have no excuse for my behavior, but don't know what it stems from. Perhaps it's my lack of communion with God. But how do I go back to disciplining myself when fear is no longer behind me, urging me forward?
Everyday is an obstacle-course of choices. Do I, in my stress, lash out in anger, or do I choose to trust God? I ignore the latter. I don't want God to work the situation out for good. I want the stress to go away.
Do I gossip about the person I do not like? Do I complain about them? Or do I consider their position? Do I put myself in their shoes? I grow desensitized in my selfishness. My judgment turns to rust and I make foolish assumptions about who they are.
I had no idea that only two years of legalism could have caused me to be so tired. Shouldn't I, after 3 years of knowing grace, have the energy to begin anew?
This quote from Lord of the Rings describes me best:
"I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread."