It is in the moments when you have sinned really horrible when grace is the most precious. In a time when you've committed the worst abomination in the sight of God, and you can almost hear the condemnation. In the way that light is brighter in a dark room, so Jesus is most beautiful when you're your ugliest.
It's almost as if I'm angry at God's love sometimes. I want Him to be mad at me so I can re-dedicate myself to be better for Him. But the gospel is so annoying. It will not allow condemnation. God doesn't condemn me. He wants me to experience His goodness. It literally grieves Him when I sin. There is no anger or condemnation. I try to hide, but I hear, "Matt, where are you?" He wants me, but I want Him to leave me alone. I'm filthy and evil, and He is beautiful and gorgeous.
I feel so grieved by my sin. I can't hang onto it. It's hard to let go...I want so much to be better. But my efforts only last for a season. His love endures forever. I honestly want Him to be angry with me so I can re-dedicate myself to be better for Him. But it's not there. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.