Thursday, April 24, 2008

It's one of them days.

I write the depressing posts because they usually help me identify the problem.

I see a lot of things wrong with even the "good" things I do. They things that seem good probably are not even good. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing it for the very religion I speak against so often. You know..when someone wants you to do something yet you really don't feel like it, but you figure "well..I want to be good to this person." It's easy for someone with a religious mindset to make something so simple and good as friendship into a job. I hate it. But then again, I don't know how to consistently do things from my heart! AH!

On top of this, I don't understand how I am suppose to bear fruit. The theology is clear as crystal, but the application is not so easy. I see a lot of sinfulness and selfishness in what I do. Then I'll read things in 2nd Timothy where Paul talks about how people in the last times will be lovers of self, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, etc, etc. And so when I see these sins in me I immediately start fearing that maybe I'm just not sincere about my faith or maybe I'm just not one of the elect.

I just don't see the fruit of the Spirit in my life when I try living the Grace Walk. When fruit or signs or changes don't appear soon, I get restless and afraid. So then I figure "Well...Maybe I didn't really receive the Holy Spirit..Maybe I didn't believe right or really believe at all."

Of course I know in my head all these are lies from the enemy, trying to make me heavy with condemnation so I will cower from My God. But the actual experience of it is much more difficult to deal with. The devil is just trying to make me doubt my Fathers love. Christ loves me freely in Himself. But then what about all my sins? Aren't they signs that I'm one of those lovers of the world who are disqualified concerning the faith? Or are they just signs of me not abiding in Christ? When I rest, it seems things get worse. Such as my temper. I flipped my lid just the other day and turned over chairs and things in the kitchen when mom and I had an argument. Of course I felt terrible afterwards...Maybe thats it. The true lover of the world would have no problem doing these things. The true children of satan don't have any problems sinning.


Nicole said...

Wow, Matt. You just made a great point! Its the conviction and overwhelming compassion we recieve from Father that makes us repent for our sins. Its because we care what Father thinks about what we do and how we live because we are in a relationship with him.

Just the other day I was enthrolled with something that Father was showing me through my job. I am a nanny and this week I was taking care of a 2 year old, and two 4 and 1/2 year old little girls. So, Emma and Rachel the two 4 year olds were playing outside on a slide, and Rachel accidently bumped into Emma and right after this, Emma explodes with distain and utter agnst against Rachel. Emma starts yelling and just throwing a disaster fit, finally she goes running into the house upset so I follow her, as I go into the house she immediately starts yelling and crying for me to leave her alone. I decide to give her some space, even though I know its clearly not okay for her to act this way, but I then eventually go back to where she is, I get down on the floor where she is rolled in a ball crying her eyes out and gently and calmly say, "Emma looks like she needs a hug, you seem really angry, do you need a hug? How can I help you? Let me comfort you Emma, its okay to be angry, we all get angry sometimes and its okay, but right now let me just hold you and tell you everyhing is going to be okay." She then turned to me and crawled in my lap as I petted her head and she calmed down stopped crying and then was ready to appologize to Rachel for yelling at her the way she did! It was a miricle. I have been nannying Emma for over two years and have never seen her emotions and attitude change as fast as they did at that moment! Its amazing how we humans usually react to one who speaks to us out of sincerety and love. A great example of what Father does to me all the time! It wasn't really me who performed, it was Jesus inside me who did! :)

Matthew said...

Nicole, you raise a very good point in your situation with Emma. (love the name too)

As I read your comment, I got the idea that maybe God understands our weaknesses and failures. He understands whats wrong. It's our flesh we have to deal with. It's like a disease. A burden we are always confronted with in this life..and maybe instead of God sighing and thinking, "There Matt goes again..committing that same sin over and over." Maybe He actually has compassion for us in our sins and failures...He sees our righteous spirits in Christ being in torment when we sin. He understands the problem is the body. "He remembers that we are but dust."

And hard as it is to receive, I think God is a God who has compassion on His children when they fail and sin rather than getting angry and wanting to hit them.

Nicole said...

Amen brother!!!! Great summary. Isn't God amazing and shows compassion when we least deserve it? I would call complete and utter GRACE!

In Freedom, Nicole!