It's one of them days.
I write the depressing posts because they usually help me identify the problem.
I see a lot of things wrong with even the "good" things I do. They things that seem good probably are not even good. Sometimes it seems like I'm doing it for the very religion I speak against so often. You know..when someone wants you to do something yet you really don't feel like it, but you figure "well..I want to be good to this person." It's easy for someone with a religious mindset to make something so simple and good as friendship into a job. I hate it. But then again, I don't know how to consistently do things from my heart! AH!
On top of this, I don't understand how I am suppose to bear fruit. The theology is clear as crystal, but the application is not so easy. I see a lot of sinfulness and selfishness in what I do. Then I'll read things in 2nd Timothy where Paul talks about how people in the last times will be lovers of self, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, etc, etc. And so when I see these sins in me I immediately start fearing that maybe I'm just not sincere about my faith or maybe I'm just not one of the elect.
I just don't see the fruit of the Spirit in my life when I try living the Grace Walk. When fruit or signs or changes don't appear soon, I get restless and afraid. So then I figure "Well...Maybe I didn't really receive the Holy Spirit..Maybe I didn't believe right or really believe at all."
Of course I know in my head all these are lies from the enemy, trying to make me heavy with condemnation so I will cower from My God. But the actual experience of it is much more difficult to deal with. The devil is just trying to make me doubt my Fathers love. Christ loves me freely in Himself. But then what about all my sins? Aren't they signs that I'm one of those lovers of the world who are disqualified concerning the faith? Or are they just signs of me not abiding in Christ? When I rest, it seems things get worse. Such as my temper. I flipped my lid just the other day and turned over chairs and things in the kitchen when mom and I had an argument. Of course I felt terrible afterwards...Maybe thats it. The true lover of the world would have no problem doing these things. The true children of satan don't have any problems sinning.