I have mentioned this before but it's on my heart yet again.
Today, after I came back from my Grandma's house, I began to feel distant from God. I realized that when I was outside, I no longer have the rush of excitement when I see creation and I felt no holy desires for heaven. To be honest, England has been much more on my mind than heaven. That may sound funny to you, but it's true.
Then I started to wonder again if I am drifting away from my first love because I don't try to force up emotions of love for God or people anymore. I've completely stopped analyzing my feelings and moods, and so I wonder if that has made me passive and indifferent.
I felt a flush of anger earlier today as I was praying because the thought of mustering up emotion and feelings of love came to mind. I told God I was tired of it; wore out. I couldn't go back to that. I won't go back to that. It's a roller coaster ride of inconsistency.
But I also feel the desire to go back to that lifestyle: To feel something so that I know God is still here even when I don't force him to be here by my feelings love and closeness to him.
Is this really the life of faith or have I just become lazy? Sometimes I feel outright selfish and I don't feel like trying to muster up feelings of unselfishness, ya know? I'm tired of playing that game.
Just let Jesus live in me regardless of how I feel.