Friday, August 21, 2009

Trying to Feel God

I have mentioned this before but it's on my heart yet again.

Today, after I came back from my Grandma's house, I began to feel distant from God. I realized that when I was outside, I no longer have the rush of excitement when I see creation and I felt no holy desires for heaven. To be honest, England has been much more on my mind than heaven. That may sound funny to you, but it's true.

Then I started to wonder again if I am drifting away from my first love because I don't try to force up emotions of love for God or people anymore. I've completely stopped analyzing my feelings and moods, and so I wonder if that has made me passive and indifferent.

I felt a flush of anger earlier today as I was praying because the thought of mustering up emotion and feelings of love came to mind. I told God I was tired of it; wore out. I couldn't go back to that. I won't go back to that. It's a roller coaster ride of inconsistency.

But I also feel the desire to go back to that lifestyle: To feel something so that I know God is still here even when I don't force him to be here by my feelings love and closeness to him.

Is this really the life of faith or have I just become lazy? Sometimes I feel outright selfish and I don't feel like trying to muster up feelings of unselfishness, ya know? I'm tired of playing that game.

Really.

I'm tired.

Just let Jesus live in me regardless of how I feel.

6 comments:

lydia said...

My friend - He is with you always, nothing can seperate you from HIm!!! I am guessing you may be sensing some kind of condemnation cause that's usually what makes us 'feel' far from God. BUT, it's simply not true, there is no condemnation for you (ifi that is indeed the case) stand firm in what you know is true and hang in there...............HUGS!!!!

Jamie said...

He DOES live in you regardless of how you feel and that goes for the rest of us too!! That is why it's called FAITH and not Thrills & Chills..."feelings" vacillate and even OUR faith is puny BUT we can REST knowing HE KEEPS US; we do not have to try to keep our grip on Him. Peter testified of his great faith; he blew it. John reclined on Jesus' chest; he stood at the foot of the cross. There is a lesson there, Boo. When you're feeling like you just want to sit in a mud puddle, Jesus is still right there with you. Don't let your emotions yank you around. You are a spirit, then a soul, then a body. NOT THE OTHER WAY 'ROUND. Just be loved.

Love you, Matthew. :)

Leonard said...

I read this a while ago then later I was reading someone elses post and thought, wow I should send them over to Matt's place so they dont feel so alone ya know ??? anyway I read on and saw I had it the wrong way round.. so long story short Click here, Hope ya enjoy it i did.
Best...

Bino M. said...

I try to muster up emotions by watching some videos. Some of them makes you cry. Usually a tragic story with a happy ending etc. And I think in my mind, that I am able to cry so I should be spiritual. :) Same thing goes with attending Worship Services, where they sing very emotionally touching songs.

I think those attempts to 'feel' spiritual are silly! I don't see any of the apostles doing such things. They didn't have worship services, let alone youtube :)

Matthew, you are just being a human. There is nothing wrong with you. Our journey is not about jumping from one spiritual high to another. There are valleys too. Think of the Apostles! Their entire life isn't recoded in the Bible. In the book of acts, their spiritual encounters (or the things which are significant to the reader) are recorded. But they had a lot of living in between those. I wouldn't think that they were always on a spiritual high state (the way we see it).

The Lewis Family said...

I used to worry that Heaven would be boring because it would be perfect. . .

Matthew Campbell said...

That is probably because we have skewed ideas on what perfection is, handed down to us by legalists and our own misconceptions.