I feel like I'm caught between two worlds. I can't go back to legalism and I don't know how to move forward in the light of grace.
Believe me when I say I have tried to go back to fear. I have tried to be as afraid and anxious as I used to be, but since I have trusted in grace, I'm ruined. I can't get that fear back. But now I find myself in a position that I'm not sure is any better than legalism. I find myself in sins I never dealt with while living under constant worry and anxiety.
I don't want legalism, but neither do I want licentiousness. Grace isn't licentiousness, but I find it harder (yes, harder) to say no to sin now that I know my sins are taken away forever by one sacrifice and that I'm no longer under the law.
I feel like I've been duped. I thought when I began to live in grace, it would be easier to say no to sin. Paul said, "Sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace." Yet I find myself more prone to make the decision to sin rather than to obey and I hate it. I almost hate the freedom from fear that I have. I depended on the fear that I might be an insincere Christian to keep me from sinning.
Yet, I do understand there is to be a certain fear of God. Paul says, though I don't understand what he means, that all of us will stand before Him and receive back for what we have done, whether good or bad. "Therefore, knowing the terror of the Lord..." Those are exact words from Paul in the Bible.
Ought I not to fear God? I wouldn't say constant anxiety is what we need, but I believe in a healthy fear of God. The scripture talks about it often. Such as when fear fell on the church when Ananias and Sapphira died after lying to the Holy Spirit; so fear is not a bad thing I don't think.
But how do I get myself to fear God enough not to make the choice to disobey him?
Well, that's what I'm setting out to discover...