Monday, August 9, 2010

Sometimes I feel so pressured and weak. Vulnerable. Like this world is just too big for me.

I want to be good, but I just can't. I'm such a contradiction and I try to do good, but it seems like nothing I do makes a difference and that I'm always straining out gnats while swallowing a camel.

I haven't been as zealous looking for a job or following up on applications because I'm nervous about working a cash register, but I know I need to just suck it up and do it anyway and that if I get a job with a cash register, eventually I'll get used to it. But I'm just so tired of stepping outside of my comfort zones. It seems like I've constantly pushed myself the past 4 years to do stuff I didn't want to do and I'm tired. I just want to lie down and rest sometimes.

I want to be the man God wants me to be, bold and strong. But I'm not.

I know Jesus said when we know the truth, it will set us free, but I don't feel free. It seems like I'm getting worse rather than better since I began listening to the "Exchanged Life" teachings.

I want to start school, but it's being delayed and it may not work out. It has to work out. I have to start pursuing a career now. I'm almost 24 years old and have never even held a job because I foolishly took a job that was too much. No one will hire me and I keep trying to find jobs I'll be relatively comfortable doing instead of being bold and applying anywhere.

I'm scared of working at fast food restaurants because of the fast-paced, multi-tasking. I'm not very good at it.

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