I need more time to be kind.

I'm a horrible representative for Christ. Horrible.

I want to love; not for my sake, nor to earn my way to God, but rather for the sake of others and their salvation. If I love, it needs to be for their benefit and for their correct perception of God.

I have a choice and I am not incapable of choosing.

I can choose to trust myself or Christ. I can choose to defend myself or believe God is my defense. I don't think, as a believer, that he ever stops being our defense, however, if we should choose to take matters in our own hands, we will reap certain consequences for those choices.

When I am insulted, abused, stripped of my dignity, my worth and my respect, I can choose to see what I cannot see; that God has crowned me, as a believer, with honor.

"I do not seek to glorify myself; if I glorify myself, my glory is nothing."

Tear Down This Wall!

In Christ, I know I am absolutely free of any condemnation.

However, my behavior matters to me possibly more than it did before relying on Jesus. Reason being, I am able to grasp the reason for morality and kind words. Previously, living under a taskmaster of my own creation, the rules were something I obeyed without questions or the need for explanation.

Grace opened my eyes to the world, in a sense. That did not, unfortunately, make it easier to practice morality. To the contrary... I was freed to reason and make my own choices.

While speaking with a friend a few weeks ago, he diagnosed my issue with extraordinary ease. He told me I was too well acquainted and reliant upon boundaries. Too often I have counted on my boundaries to keep me safe from harm, so much so that I have scarcely exercised my ability to make choices. Those muscles have long since become atrophied.

I take encouragement in my dissatisfaction and I know freedom will come eventually, albeit with a considerable amount of difficulty.

It's Me Again

Everything I desire to write would just be a rerun of previous blog posts.

I haven't made any progress, and at times, I find myself angry with people who tempted me to believe this grace message, yet I know it isn't grace causing me to live this way. To be honest, it's me causing me to live this way. It sounds extremely cliche, but I have been made free (from sin) by Christ. I have no excuse for my behavior, but don't know what it stems from. Perhaps it's my lack of communion with God. But how do I go back to disciplining myself when fear is no longer behind me, urging me forward?

Everyday is an obstacle-course of choices. Do I, in my stress, lash out in anger, or do I choose to trust God? I ignore the latter. I don't want God to work the situation out for good. I want the stress to go away.

Do I gossip about the person I do not like? Do I complain about them? Or do I consider their position? Do I put myself in their shoes? I grow desensitized in my selfishness. My judgment turns to rust and I make foolish assumptions about who they are.

I had no idea that only two years of legalism could have caused me to be so tired. Shouldn't I, after 3 years of knowing grace, have the energy to begin anew?

This quote from Lord of the Rings describes me best:

"I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread."

I'm stuck, entangled, caught, trapped, whatever. I'm miserable. I have been for some time now.

I want out.

I want to "breathe the free air again".

I don't want to be angry or selfish anymore.

Sin dulls everything.

To be free from the law and sin is to be completely free. I want to know that.

I went from one prison cell to another.

I'm taking a serious detox from the people and teachings I listened to. From them, I learned so much nonsense and lost that first love I had for Christ.

I feel like they stole it from me with all the stupid, contradicting messages I listened to.

They made God extremely unlikable and unrealistic.

I don't need them to tell me what He is like.

"They shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest."

I'm sick of properly dressed, type A personalities who hold your imperfection in the light, cracking the whip, burdening you to be better, more organized, more productive, more efficient in your evangelism, more consistent in your spiritual disciplines.

I wanna bleed all of it out and experience the real Christ and his real message.

Here I am, still making horrible choices, treating people like garbage, and I don't feel the strength to stop.

I still hate in my heart, I lust, and I fear other men. My mind is still set on this world.

The thing is, I don't feel guilty anymore.

I just want out of this mess.

I want to be free again.