I'm falling apart, really. I feel unstable and out of control of my tongue and my behavior.
I find myself repeatedly asking God and myself "What's happening to me?"
I'm so angry all the time now. I complain and I gossip. I lust and I hate.
I wonder... Where is God? Why doesn't he come pouring into my thoughts and emotions like that first day? I need something to strengthen me and renew me, but it seems like I'm waiting for something that may never come in this life.
I thought when I understood grace and believed it that things would get better, but I see myself getting worse.
It's sort of like I've totally ran out of energy to serve and to obey. I'm devoid of strength and will. I've lost the will to hold back the flood of selfishness and anger.
I'm just tired. I need to rest. I need a fresh revelation; a fresh experience of God.
I can't allow myself to be disregarded by God anymore. I need him to love me and care for my feelings, and to stay with me through them, no matter how negative they may be.