Craptacular

Today hasn't been very good.

Tonight was just the cherry on top.
Mom and I were driving back from a church she decided to try called, "The Body", then on the way home I expressed my opinion on what repentance for salvation is. I got yelled at and blasted pretty hard. I was accused of being "obsessed with the subject" and whatever.

I'm still pretty angry and left with a sense of insecurity. I got that heart sinking feeling.

I was just introducing the idea that I couldn't reconcile repenting from sin to be saved with "We don't clean ourselves up before we come to God". I told her I don't think quitting sinning has anything to do with salvation. I'm not saying people don't quit sinning. I'm saying sanctification is by the Spirit and not by human effort. I do believe in a change of heart toward God. But I believe repentance for salvation is repenting from the sin of unbelief.

She said "How do you expect anybody to get saved talking like that?" I said they will "Believe on the Lord Jesus and be saved".

I asked what repentance meant then if our behavior has nothing to do with salvation. She said it's basically saying you're sorry and trying your best to quit. I know she just doesn't quite understand my point, but it's got me feeling down. Again, I'm not saying people don't feel sorry for their sin and repent from sin.

To be honest, I was excited to get blasted for it in a sense because people persecuted Paul because of the teaching of grace and accused him of preaching, "Let's do evil that good may come". - But then I thought and realized, this is my mom. Why am I excited she's angry at grace? Then I felt crappy for that. But when you're angry and hurt you tend to be blinded from the important things.

I'm just left with this feeling of "Am I right?".

If repentance is more than just feeling sorry for your sin, then how sinless do I have to be before I can consider myself truly repentant? Am I just splitting hairs? I don't want to spread lies. If it's wrong, I want to know. But Paul said we don't receive the Spirit by works of the law or adhering to the law, but by faith and faith alone.

But, John the Baptist told people "let him who steals steal no longer" and so on. So is repentance turning from sin or unbelief? - Or both?

Arise My Love

Enya - The Celts

ENYA - Only if

I was addicted to Enya when I first started searching for God. I wasn't saved then I don't think. I had no understanding of the gospel, but God had put a STRONG love and desire in my heart to know Him.

Anyway, This is one of the songs I played over and over when I thought of Him. I remember not being afraid of a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. I would have gladly died for God. I would have quit any sin gladly. I remember flipping through channels and seeing girls gone wild commercials and I wouldn't be interested in the least. I was on this mountain for awhile. I soon came to understand the gospel.

But then came standard procedure grace, Calvinism, Arminism, performance, etc.

Airborne ADD

Things are still unorganized spiritually. I'm trying to let Jesus change me, but I just cannot concentrate. I noticed I'm shy sometimes and probably seem rude to people. But it's honestly because I have no social skills. I try to avoid eye contact or greeting someone I know in public. I just never know what to say.

On a lighter note, mom and I have started school again to get my GED, or, as Chris Rock once said: "Good Enough Diploma".

I forgot how much it hurts to sit in a desk for a few hours. I've also realized how terrible I am at math. Terrible seems to sugar coat it. I'm pretty good at English though. So I have no worries about that.

I'm very "out of it" lately in everything. I forget things, I can't focus, I goof off, I drive myself completely insane. I feel like I caught airborne ADD or something.

Insane In The Membrane

Alright, so things are very weird. I am very unstable, unorganized, and cannot concentrate on anything.

I can't pray. I want to. I can't keep my mind on Christ and allow Him to live in me...One reason is I simply cannot concentrate on Him. The other is I keep breathing against the machine as Steve McVey put it in his book Grace Walk. I try, rather than rest in my identity. I feel like I talk about and read the Bible and grace, but never apply it. I want freedom to just be in love with God and then just...live. I want good works, but I don't want it to be a job. I want it to be from life. Everywhere I go, Christian make Jesus like boarding school or boot camp. And the weight of oppression I feel when they teach that just completely disables me to love God. I try, but to no avail. "The flesh profits nothing."

An old best friend came by tonight and I felt "yucky" because I wasn't in "holy mode". I acted ...normal? I talked about old times and tried to be funny. I didn't mention God. I wasn't preaching the gospel. I didn't try to say all the right things. But I still felt nagging voices telling me how unholy I am. I can say really foolish things an act foolish, then feel like a complete loser afterwards. Not condemned, but just..stuck. Stuck in a body that wants things I don't want it to want.

If I seem repetitive, it isn't intentional.

Power Of Your Love