Alright, so things are very weird. I am very unstable, unorganized, and cannot concentrate on anything.
I can't pray. I want to. I can't keep my mind on Christ and allow Him to live in me...One reason is I simply cannot concentrate on Him. The other is I keep breathing against the machine as Steve McVey put it in his book Grace Walk. I try, rather than rest in my identity. I feel like I talk about and read the Bible and grace, but never apply it. I want freedom to just be in love with God and then just...live. I want good works, but I don't want it to be a job. I want it to be from life. Everywhere I go, Christian make Jesus like boarding school or boot camp. And the weight of oppression I feel when they teach that just completely disables me to love God. I try, but to no avail. "The flesh profits nothing."
An old best friend came by tonight and I felt "yucky" because I wasn't in "holy mode". I acted ...normal? I talked about old times and tried to be funny. I didn't mention God. I wasn't preaching the gospel. I didn't try to say all the right things. But I still felt nagging voices telling me how unholy I am. I can say really foolish things an act foolish, then feel like a complete loser afterwards. Not condemned, but just..stuck. Stuck in a body that wants things I don't want it to want.
If I seem repetitive, it isn't intentional.