Today was yet another day in where I was shown how helpless I am without Jesus and His abundant grace and free gift of righteousness.
I ended up, after a brief moment of butting heads with mom, getting very frustrated and irritated and getting very angry. But I despise my anger. I hate my actions done in anger. It wasn't that I felt condemned or anything, but that I had a genuine hatred for my sin. I just wanted it to go away. I also saw in that moment other areas where I suck. With selfishness, bitterness, pride, and laziness. I had afterward, started talking to God. In the middle of talking, I thought of people who preach law. I yelled to God very angrily, "How in the hell do they do it!?" I went on for a few minutes about how they must live in some fairytale world where they must not know how pitiable, wretched, blind and poor they really are under the law. I was very angry with people who basically say "suck it up". I really wish they would take the time to look into themselves under pure, undiluted law and see how wretched they really are. Sure, you can look nice, happy, holy, and whatever. But is that a true reflection of the inside, or are people trying to, "Clean the outside of the cup?"
It really got me angry when I thought of people I've heard preach law and self sanctification. It sounds so ridiculous to me now when I hear someone basically say something like, "Produce in yourself the fruit of the Spirit." It makes no sense to tell someone to have the fruit of the Spirit. Sure, you can mimic the fruit of the Spirit, but you can't produce it. I would love to see any human produce genuine agape, joy, peace, kindess, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. I would love it if I could do that stuff simply by willing myself to do it. I've even tried. But to no avail. It is the Spirit who gives life, the flesh profits nothing.
I feel a little guilty for writing this, but it's what I felt.