I have a desire to be someone for God that I'm not sure He wants me to be. I realize maybe the person I want to be for God is just the person I selfishly want to be myself, to make myself feel righteous and "clean". I despise the dirty feeling of sinning or feeling like you act like everyone else in the world, when you want so much to be a child of God, while I fail to realize I am already a son of God because I received God's Son Jesus.
Even the good qualities I think I may have may actually be selfish qualities. The desire to do good, sometimes can be a self-righteous desire. The desire to be holy, if coming from a self righteous or selfish motive, can be unholy. I am already holy because Christ Jesus is holy. But I desire to be like Him. But what motivates that desire? I don't want to dig too deep and over analyze myself, because that always ends in depression and worry for me.
Some things I want to be include the following...
. Assertive and bold for God
. Good to my enemies
These things do not come from within a human heart. These things are not attainable through self-discipline. Only through love. Sincere love for God. I want to be in love with God.
I don't mention her much anymore to anyone, but I want to love God in a similar way to the way that I loved Jamie. Looking back, I willingly gave of myself to her. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't hang out with friends or buy myself anything. Love is not selfish. Love is a fuel that can burn forever. Love willingly gives of itself rather than looking to a law or list of commands.
Self-discipline and Christian programs to spiritual success are not the answer. Genuine, loving relationship is the answer. If it doesn't come from love, then it comes from selfish desire. I can't put in myself those things mentioned above. But God can put them in me by revealing His love for me as I seek Him.