Tuesday, August 26, 2008

This Week's Feelings

I am not consistent in my prayer life. I want to be!! But I'm not. After awhile, praying for someone everyday turns into a routine and eventually it's really just me saying the words to get it in there. Like a time card to turn in. Oi... Why can't I get passed this!?!?!?! It's infuriating. Sometimes I want to suffer, because when I'm in suffering, I seek God, I pray and I don't look to worldly comforts. Why can't I just do what I want to do? Why don't I just sit down, quit medicating my brain with movies, music, blogs, etc and read the Scripture and receive revelation of God's grace?

How can I overcome my fears of people and their opinions of me? I want to be bold about my faith in Jesus. I want to be that picture perfect Christian. I want to be like Jesus!! I hate waiting. I feel lazy! Why doesn't God just talk to me verbally? I only want to do what He wants me to do. Because what He wants is not bondage. I can do whatever He gives me to do. But I set out to do things I'm probably not equipped to do simply because I start thinking "A true Christian would do this..." and so I do it. Perhaps it is a good work, but not a God work. I know who God is. I know He loves me and accepts me unconditionally, but I can't feel it or see it. I'm selfish and lazy! I need to re-dedicate myself!! Seriously. I don't want to do everything right, I just want to do most things right. Then I will feel better. I don't like being humble. I like feeling honorable and worthy.

Anyone relate? lol

I'm not going back to the Law. I'm just writing how I feel this week. :)


Nicole said...

Frustration can lead us to do and say things that aren't really what our hearts are made of but how we feel in the present time.

I have had very similar problems. When I am like this, I feel like I am dealing with my own flesh and blood and cannot relate to Father. It is in a way, self-centered thinking, wanting to be better than we are or be in a better place with God. If we changed our mindset on God, then it no longer becomes a portrait of me, but of Him and who he is in me. It wouldn't make sense if I said that it had nothing to do with us, or me, but I think the focus, as you would call, the old law, is about self improvement to be perfect like God is perfect. Always wanting to be better or strive for more than where we are and what we have with God in this very moment. Its hard to really live up to this because I have the exact same issues trying to see myself worthy enough to call myself daughter. But Father has come down to my level and has told me that he is reachable and approachable in all aspects of life in this journey. And that proves to me that I can't lose Fathers favor or affection, because my heart won't let me, and I can't try any harder to win any more than what I have in the beginning!

There is light at the end of this tunnel. You know this, for you have seen it!

In Freedom, Nicole!

Free Spirit said...

Hey, yeah, I can relate, but what I think I'm learning is that all that wanting is ME; it's not Him. And, at least for me, it really is going back to thinking that what I do or don't do, is what makes me Ok. I have come to believe that when papa wants me to pray or talk about Him to somebody, or anything of the sort, that He will, in fact, overwhelmingly take over in my spirit, and I'll find myself just doing those things sporadically, out of overflowing love, and at His leading. For me, I find, that the more receiving I do, of HIS love, the more I find myself doing those things because His love just splashes out onto others, be it thru prayer, or personal attention.

Maybe, I heard incorrectly, but it seems like you're upset with yourself because you're not DOING all the stuff that you think you "should" be. I have found that, when I get that way; there is no winning. It's just me trying to put myself back up on the treadmill. It seems to help me to remember that He really doesn't NEED me, for anything. I think He wants YOU, Matthew, not your prayers, or your penance, or your suffering. You don't have to be any bolder than you are. When Papa wants to use you, it won't feel like effort at all; I think we'll just look back, and go, "Wow, I think Papa just did that!"

I feel for you, brother, and hope you'll (and I'll) just let go of it all!!

Bino M. said...

I think you are doing much better than me. This morning a thought came to me: am I really in a relationship with Father? Or am I just in a relationship with Grace doctrine?
I am pretty confident that I can win an argument over the difference between law and grace. But what is it good for?

RJW said...

Hey Matthew!
Who told you that??? Not God. Who do you think is trying to deceive you?
God wants to talk to you when you feel like talking; He's ok with just being with you and not talking. Ditto reading the Word.
You know when everything is great and you and God are simpatico? God is right there.
And you know when you wake up with a growl and you're a son of a gun? God is right there.
Prayer is a conversation, just being real with your older Brother, your Dad, or your Husband.
Reading the Word is just one way He talks to you. He'll give you the desire.
Todays word: REST
YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOU KNOW, but you already knew that didn't you?
Kick back; watch the Matrix; remember who you are...He's freeing your mind. :)

Matthew Daelon said...


You are in relationship with God because you trust in the grace that you know so well. You are greatly loved by God because you have believed what you heard from Him concerning His Son's death, burial and resurrection. "Lord, who has believed what he has heard from us?"

Bino has!

Anonymous said...

My friend...the condemning thoughts that invade your head are not YOU, nor are they God. They are your enemy. God does not caused one to feel guilty or ashamed.

I've found that Papa "talks" most within my heart to me, during the flow of me carrying out my ordinary daily events. Perhaps in trying so hard to "hear" Him, is causing you from being able to be fully open to LISTEN to Him. Now, I say this with no condemnation, nor is this meant to be "advice." I speak with personal experience, however. I think that sometimes if we are "trying so hard" to speak to and hear God, we inadvertently end up expecting a certain answer. Thus, in turn, this puts our heart in a place of expectation to "hear" something specific. Instead, it is best to have a heart of expectancy...meaning, to be open to "hear" Him talk to us at times we do not expect, or even may (in human terms) feel is "inconvenient" to us.

My blessings to you, Matt. You are doing just fine.

Papa loves you and He hears every single prayer and word you tell Him.

Perhaps He's just waiting until a specific moment before He replies.

~Amy :)