Embracing Freedom

Embracing freedom is possibly the scariest thing in the Christian life.

Just a little while ago, I was on Xbox Live with my little brother, Josh. I play for a good 2 hours. I didn't really want to play, but my brother wanted me to watch something, so I got on after I scarfed down a good helping of lasagna (which I also started to feel accusations for).

I felt as though I ought not play the Xbox so long. I felt I ought not have goofed off with my little brother so much. I felt as if I should have acted more reserved and holy. In the probably hour and a half I was playing, I was feeling so many screams of accusation, threats, and the need for re-dedication.

Then I ignored them. Then I felt like maybe I ought not ignore these accusations and things, because I might drift away from God and have the Word choked by cares, riches and pleasures of this life (which is one the "voices" favorite verses to use against me).

Freedom is scary. It makes me think I'm drifting away from God. I so dearly do not want to. I love God and I want to honor Him in all that I do, but I constantly feel I am letting Him down by spending too much time on the computer, video games, whatever.

I was just talking with my friend, Heather on myspace. She said that the road of grace is a lonely road. Indeed it is. A scary road. A hard road. Everything in your mind will threaten you and try to pull you back into religion. I love God! But I can't keep up the religious crap. It's duty with no heart in it. I can't have relationship with God if I'm constantly worried if I'm screwing up!