I just prayed to God a lot of the things that go on with me. There was no condemnation or anything like that. It was just me speaking my heart to God.
I told Him I don't understand how He can like, let alone love someone like me. I said I was a mess. I am more than a mess. I'm inconsistent in all that I say, think, feel and do. I don't understand why He insists on loving me when, in all my understanding, I seem worthless. I'm not depressed or sorrowful or anything. I'm just genuinely confused about God's love. I think evil (and I do mean evil) thoughts. Sometimes they're evil desires, sometimes they're random thoughts. Even against my own brothers and sisters. I will criticize them in my thoughts. And He still loves me? I mean I knew He is faithful when we are faithless, but I had no idea how faithless I was until I tried to be faithful.
I'm not talking faithless in some areas or inconsistent in just some things I do. It's everything. I'm not perfect. No where near it. Perfection, and my actions are as far as the east is from the west. I'm a perfect, imperfect person. I'm righteous, but I'm unrighteous. I feel a lot like Alanis Morissette's song "One Hand in my Pocket". My actions are completely contrary to who I really am.
And I'm suppose to believe that God loves me? People call this easy grace? What a load of ignorance. How easy was it for Adam to approach God after he had sinned? To come before God, naked. Jesus was right when He said that people who do evil hate the Light and do not come to the Light, for fear that their deeds may be exposed. But what they don't know is the Light seeks to cover their nakedness, not expose it. And so they don't believe in God's love. Every time we hide from God, we're saying we need more sacrifice for our sins. But if you're looking for more, the writer of Hebrews (The Holy Spirit) said, "There is no longer any offering for sin." Stiff necked people resist the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Grace.
Do not let an evil heart of unbelief be in you even for a moment. While you were a sinner, totally unredeemed, God loved you with all His precious being. Do not take lightly the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
3 comments:
Matthew,
I think I have more evil thoughts as a Christian than what I had as an unbeliever and I don't know why!
Sometimes evil thoughts comes to my mind while I am in the midst of a Bible study and I feel awful!
I think part of the problem is how we see the Christian life. As a Christian we set unrealistic expectations such as no evil thoughts comes to the mind of a Christian and when it comes we are surprised. Remember, for God there is no surprise.
He knows more than us the potential we have to think/do evil.
The other side of the coin is that this weakness is what keeping us connected to Christ. If we didn't have weakness we would forget God in a New York minute (As Bob George says).
But I agree that it is annoying and irritable. But I want to let you know that you are not alone.
The fact is we are going to have evil thoughts till our last breath. We will have sinful desires, we will have flesh cravings, we will have sadness, depression, disappointments, sickness, trails until we die. To think otherwise is unrealistic. Thats what this world does. They tell us those things are unusual but the fact is it is not. Jesus said we have trouble in this world. Remember there is nothing 'new' under the sun.
That's what is so amazing about grace. That God would choose to love and accept and even exalt imperfect creatures such as ourselves. Please stop thinking of yourself as worthless. You are the pearl of great price that God gave His son Jesus to die for.
You are not alone in having evil thoughts. I even have them sometimes when I am praying. I believe they are placed there by Satan. I think the most important thing to remember is that having an evil thought is NOT a sin. It is only a sin when you hold on to it and allow it to control you.
So, please don't beat yourself up for having an evil thought. Like Bino said, they will always be there and they are there to tempt us to sin. Satan will lie to you and try to tell you that if you are Christian you shouldn't be having them. That is one of the tools he uses to get you to live in defeat even though Christ has already won the victory.
Here
is an article by Bill Gillham that may be helpful.
In Christ,
Gary
Hey guys,
Thank you both so much for the encouragement. I hope I didn't come off as if I was feeling condemnation or anything. I'm simply baffled at how God can love me, considering everything I do or do not do. It's about like trying to grasp the size of the universe. I cannot harness the idea in my head. Faith allows me take hold of it though.
I was also outside last night, looking at all of the stars. It was a cold, very clear night. I had a bit of a glimpse into how big He is and how terrifying He is, while being able to stand in front of Him with nothing but Christ to offer. It was a scary, but beautiful thing to be able to pray in that moment, "I don't have anything to offer you, except Jesus Christ. I refuse to do anything to establish my own righteousness."
I prayed that while remembering that "By faith, Abel offered a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain." Cain brought the fruit of his labor, while Abel brought nothing but the blood of a lamb.
I understood what fearing God meant last night. It meant to be in awe of Him. It meant putting my faith in His Son.
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