I just prayed to God a lot of the things that go on with me. There was no condemnation or anything like that. It was just me speaking my heart to God.
I told Him I don't understand how He can like, let alone love someone like me. I said I was a mess. I am more than a mess. I'm inconsistent in all that I say, think, feel and do. I don't understand why He insists on loving me when, in all my understanding, I seem worthless. I'm not depressed or sorrowful or anything. I'm just genuinely confused about God's love. I think evil (and I do mean evil) thoughts. Sometimes they're evil desires, sometimes they're random thoughts. Even against my own brothers and sisters. I will criticize them in my thoughts. And He still loves me? I mean I knew He is faithful when we are faithless, but I had no idea how faithless I was until I tried to be faithful.
I'm not talking faithless in some areas or inconsistent in just some things I do. It's everything. I'm not perfect. No where near it. Perfection, and my actions are as far as the east is from the west. I'm a perfect, imperfect person. I'm righteous, but I'm unrighteous. I feel a lot like Alanis Morissette's song "One Hand in my Pocket". My actions are completely contrary to who I really am.
And I'm suppose to believe that God loves me? People call this easy grace? What a load of ignorance. How easy was it for Adam to approach God after he had sinned? To come before God, naked. Jesus was right when He said that people who do evil hate the Light and do not come to the Light, for fear that their deeds may be exposed. But what they don't know is the Light seeks to cover their nakedness, not expose it. And so they don't believe in God's love. Every time we hide from God, we're saying we need more sacrifice for our sins. But if you're looking for more, the writer of Hebrews (The Holy Spirit) said, "There is no longer any offering for sin." Stiff necked people resist the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Grace.
Do not let an evil heart of unbelief be in you even for a moment. While you were a sinner, totally unredeemed, God loved you with all His precious being. Do not take lightly the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ.