Thursday, December 18, 2008

Being Me

Is tough!!!!!

One reason is I simply forget how! Maybe it's fear I won't be accepted anymore if I am truly myself? Maybe people will think I'm weird, unregenerate or ugly or gross? Mostly unregenerate. Always trying to prove myself to myself and to others and when they approve of me, I approve of myself. I feel Jesus leading me to freedom in this area now. I wanna be me. I don't want to impress anyone anymore. It makes love and relationship really hard, if not impossible.

But the fear of being myself is one of my biggest hindrances to brotherly love and enjoying other peoples company. Sometimes I want them to go away so I can relax and be myself. I can't love others if I don't accept the person I am. Nor can I allow others to love me. Well, not the real me anyway. And so that can breed bitterness towards even our friends because we refuse to relax and be ourselves. It makes us bitter because we're so stressed out every time we're around them and we just wanna take a break! And so we begin to despise their company because of our inability to be free to be ourselves.

I don't wanna avoid anyone because of exhaustion of trying to present some beautiful image of myself to them. I wanna let them in to my life without trying to be a people pleaser.


Anonymous said...

I understand big time Matt, I have had alot of trouble posting lately because of that reason, and they are just posts for pete sake! Forget about actually fellowshiping in person with anyone. My son is going through the same thing at the moment as well, he thinks everone thinks he is weird and has just decided to display anger straight off to not give anyone a chance to hurt him. I know how you feel and wish I knew how to help myself so I could at least share with you and my son how I did it, but I cant so I am just right there with you brother, you are not alone.

Bino M. said...

Matthew, you make me smile, because you think like I do. :)