If you read some of my blog posts and it seems that I cry a lot, I am not. I'm just thinking through things by writing it out.
This is a conversation between me, myself and the Lord.
I have a difficult time being myself around Christians. I do it to myself, it isn't their fault I don't think. It's hard for me to keep friends because I'm probably very boring around them as I am too protective of myself to open up and be stupid ole me. I eventually stopped going to the grace walk group here as it was only about a six week video thing. After the video there was a little discussion, question and answers, but I wanted the whole thing to be discussion. I didn't finish the videos. I rarely hang out with my Church other than Sunday. Maybe it's lack of people my own age? But I even feel uptight around Christians my own age. They're all smiling and open and reaching out, whereas I am shy, mellow and afraid to be silly. What if they think I'm too worldly or irreligious?
Another thing...I'm very greedy with the Lord. I want to be alone with Him. Sometimes I can be okay with the presence of others, but I like being alone with Him.
I want my mind stayed on Him at all times. Like the guy who wrote Practicing the Presence of God. I want undivided devotion to Him. Nothing else brings peace and joy like knowing Him and just looking at Him. But there are so many distractions. Pride, daydreaming, video games, tv, internet, radio, the desire to constantly be doing something and on and on the list goes. I hate sitting still, but when I do, and I gaze into the face of God...It's wonderful. For my spirit at least. The desires of the flesh tug against the desire of the Spirit.
I don't want to be legalistic about avoiding things such as I mentioned above, but I do want discipline in those areas. Not out of a desire to justify myself, but sincerely out of a desire to just...be aware of Him and look at Him. But then I get so filled up with Him that I don't know what I wanna do! Maybe just express it in love? But sometimes I don't wanna be around anyone, sometimes I just wanna be in love with the Lord without anyone disturbing me.