If you read some of my blog posts and it seems that I cry a lot, I am not. I'm just thinking through things by writing it out.
This is a conversation between me, myself and the Lord.
I have a difficult time being myself around Christians. I do it to myself, it isn't their fault I don't think. It's hard for me to keep friends because I'm probably very boring around them as I am too protective of myself to open up and be stupid ole me. I eventually stopped going to the grace walk group here as it was only about a six week video thing. After the video there was a little discussion, question and answers, but I wanted the whole thing to be discussion. I didn't finish the videos. I rarely hang out with my Church other than Sunday. Maybe it's lack of people my own age? But I even feel uptight around Christians my own age. They're all smiling and open and reaching out, whereas I am shy, mellow and afraid to be silly. What if they think I'm too worldly or irreligious?
Another thing...I'm very greedy with the Lord. I want to be alone with Him. Sometimes I can be okay with the presence of others, but I like being alone with Him.
I want my mind stayed on Him at all times. Like the guy who wrote Practicing the Presence of God. I want undivided devotion to Him. Nothing else brings peace and joy like knowing Him and just looking at Him. But there are so many distractions. Pride, daydreaming, video games, tv, internet, radio, the desire to constantly be doing something and on and on the list goes. I hate sitting still, but when I do, and I gaze into the face of God...It's wonderful. For my spirit at least. The desires of the flesh tug against the desire of the Spirit.
I don't want to be legalistic about avoiding things such as I mentioned above, but I do want discipline in those areas. Not out of a desire to justify myself, but sincerely out of a desire to just...be aware of Him and look at Him. But then I get so filled up with Him that I don't know what I wanna do! Maybe just express it in love? But sometimes I don't wanna be around anyone, sometimes I just wanna be in love with the Lord without anyone disturbing me.
5 comments:
Matthew, as for your first sentence... Hey man, that's cool. :) I totally "get" you and I'm sure others do to. My blog has often been a place where I sound things out, and I really have loved that others have been great sounding boards! That's one thing I'm really thankful for in our circle of blogging friends.
Yo Breeze-man!
Yeah, I just didn't want people to think they always had to offer me some sort of counsel or try to make me feel better lol. I just try and understand what I'm going through and writing it out is a good way to think through my thoughts, actions and feelings. :)
Matthew, you are very weird, except that we both are kind of the same! :)
I am self-centered, timid and posses no people skills. I worry being non-religious among religious people and worry being religious among non-religious people... I don't know why!
It's like you're inside my head! lol
I get tripped up on trying to be religious and non-religious all the time.
I pretend I have people skills but I don't. I can sound like I know what I'm talking about, but I don't. :)
Matthew/Bino,
I can relate to what you are saying. My flesh is self centered and timid and, in my flesh, I am definitely not a people person. I would get wrapped around the axle wondering what people thought of me and what I say. God did a funny work in me several years ago. He gave me the desire and oppurtunity to be the greeter at my church. It didn't feel good to my flesh at first, but I chose to be obedient to the Spirit. Now, several years later, in the Spirit I am a people person. I genuinely enjoy going to church each Sunday and shaking hands and hugging old ladies. It caused my wife to scratch her head because she knows my flesh very well and she had never thought of me as a people person.
Such is the power of God.
I do still struggle in other areas regarding what people think of me, but praise God, He is working on those areas as well.
The only advise I can give is, be yourself. Don't change your behavior based on context. Those who love you will still accept you. Those who don't accept you; well, it's their loss. Only God can change them. It is better for them to reject the real you than to accept a cardboard cutout of who you think they think you should be.
Now if I could just liten to my own advice. :)
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