I spoke in my previous post about wanting to go back to beating myself into godliness through fear of being condemned.
I knew that people were not saved by works, but I believed very strongly that we were to prove our salvation by our works, and so works became my focus. My performance was my focus. If I didn't perform well enough or do certain things, then I wasn't genuine. And I measured my life by Scriptures like the sermon on the mount. And I came to the conclusion that I was far away from what I thought Jesus was saying a Christian looked like.
I never found assurance for my salvation in this way and I was never able to fully trust the work of Jesus Christ on the Cross because of my constant evaluation of proof that I had indeed been saved.
So I knew that salvation was by grace, but I thought my confidence and assurance came not from the Cross, but from myself. It was a very clever lie to hinder my faith in Jesus Christ and to shift my view from Jesus to myself. And everytime my eyes fell from Jesus, they immediately focused on myself and my faith. I no longer looked to Jesus, but I looked to myself and my faith and constantly evaluated both. In this way I had swerved from the truth of the Gospel. I had replaced my faith in Jesus for faith my faith. Which is a ridiculous, neverending cycle of a cat chasing its own tail.
I believed the Law wasn't necessary for salvation, but I believed it was there to keep my salvation in check, to see if I was a true believer or not. So I tried to find assurance that I was a Christian by trying to keep the Law. I never sought assurance from what Jesus did for me, but always what I did for him. I would refer myself to passages like 1 John where it says, "Anyone who is in him ought to walk as he walked."
And so of course, I never saw the things I was doing right, but only the things I was doing wrong. I was trying to be saved by Jesus, but trying to find assurance from the Law. How can anyone do that? I find assurance that my sins are forgiven, not through obedience to the Law, but through understanding that Jesus took the punishment for me.
So I finally got sick of the condemnation and figured out that I was to do one thing and one thing ONLY. My wonderful brother, Brian always said in his blog, "Only look to Christ."
If I go to hell and burn for eternity trusting and finding confidence in Jesus Christ ONLY, then so be it. But God said that would never happen. He is faithful to his promises.