Saturday, December 15, 2007

Where Do You Put The Quarter?

This morning was rough. Mom wasn't feeling well, and I was in a bad mood. I mean as much as I wanted to, I didn't feel any love at all. I felt like telling her to "leave me alone" and "quit stressing me out".

During this time I kept telling myself "Ok...Christ is in you" and "Don't be a jerk". And I was...I let it spew a little. No condemnation. I know I'm not condemned. But I was again confused, thinking I need to do something, being the Christian. I need to help. But there was no ability in me at all to be kind or understanding. I wanted to go outside and pray, but I felt I needed to stay there because mom was upset. But I ended up making things worse. I guess I had the "save the world" mentality.

I was frustrated and I prayed to the Father and asked "How do I activate Your Spirit!?"

I told Him something like, "I don't feel very much like a Christian right now. Nothing in me wants to love. I would like to be loving, but it isn't there. I don't even have the capacity."

Where is the button I push to get things going?


Bino B. Manjasseril said...

I think every Christians have such moments in life. As long as we are here on earth we will have such occasions where we don't feel loved or we don't feel like loving. But remember, 'feeling' is mostly contrary to the 'reality'. If we think we can have nice 'feelings' all the time, it is an unrealistic expectation. Great Christians such as Apostles had wrong feelings. Which I think is ok. But I understand the frustration as I can relate to what you said here.

lydia joy said...

Interesting post, I am feeling much the same way....some days elated with joy in Christ, and all God has done, who he is...his awesome gift of righteousness to me...but some days I want everyone to let me be and find it difficult to love them as I want to love them. I mean after all he who is forgiven much loves where is that love?
I have to remind myself, we are not wrestling against flesh and blood(do you think this means our own flesh?) -but against the rulers and principalities of this dark world.....boy does Satan want to sway our thoughts, night and day....!! It's in these times I know I have to fight hard, I refuse to be robbed of my joy! I ask God "why" alot these days and my prayer life summed up is often "Help Me, Help me Lord, I cannot do this own my own!!"

Anyway, hang in there, you are going to make it....God is the one who will complete the good work he began in you!!!!

lydia joy said...

By the way, my husband for years, as he has been the subject of much judgement by other "christians", including myself, has always said, "what am I supposed to do, just push a button! " -

Daelon said...


You hit the nail on the head!! lol

I get so irritable sometimes and I want to be good and loving. But thats not what happens haha. The best thing for us to do is probably to just get away and pray rather than trying to muster up something.

God bless you,