Monday, February 25, 2008

I was confronted again today with something I should have dealt with sooner. And that is that I committed to trusting in God's grace in Jesus Christ have been very critical in my mind toward my brothers and sisters in my Church. Even the slightest indication of legalism will cause me to fear, leading to bitterness toward the brethren. I got tired of hiding it from them. I need to let them know about this so that I can be at peace with them in my heart, not afraid of them or uncomfortable with them. I didn't mention it to them for fear of what I thought I would hear. I want to love them without fear. I want to be free to love God's family and stop feeling like I'm the goat and they're the sheep. I simply hate making myself vulnerable. But thats what love is about, right? Making yourself vulnerable. And I've yet to tell all of them this in person. I've simply e-mailed one brother.

I don't want to make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Anyway...I was reading through 1st Peter and the Spirit stressed the fact that we are to love the brethren as it was the true sign of our faith in Christ. I was tired of being accused of hating the brothers and thus proving myself never really saved or whatever.

1st John also says that the one who fears cannot be made perfect in love. I don't want to be afraid of my brothers and sisters anymore. I want to be apart of their lives, whether they're like-minded or not. I need to know this freedom. I need intimacy with the family of God. I can't handle the stress of feeling out of place with them.


Bino B. Manjasseril said...

One thing I was able to relate when I read this, the anger and frustration I felt towards other brothers/sisters of my previous small group when they opposed to the idea of 'total grace'. When God started revealing the truth of His grace to me, I was still part of one small group. We had a practice of sharing the word by taking turns every week. Whenever my turn comes, I tell them the things what God revealed to me. And I faced great opposition and finally the news reached the pastor and he ended up dissolving the group. I don't have to say that I quit that church pretty soon. But, for many days or even months I had the anger and resentment towards them. But I didn't really act on my emotions. And as time went on I was convinced that it is not my job to convert anybody to my belief. Unless the Spirit reveal it to them they are not going to be convinced. And it helped to heal the wounds I had. But I still struggle with such resentments once in a while, and I think it is not that unusual. So I think whatever problem you had with your group, understand it is not that unusual. As the Spirit of God convinces/shows you the problem areas you can start acting on it in terms of expressing your feelings openly and talking to them or emailing them or whatever. I think you are in the right track here.

lydia joy said...

Matt, I just love love love how honest and purely real and raw you are!!!
I can totally relate to what you share here......I don't have anything profound to say, but I think one thing that helps me in having more love for others is growing in my understanding of God's love for me, and the only way I know how to do that is to be addicted to God, and obsessed with Jesus, as Joel and I were just talking about, seeking His Presence.....and I think you are headed the right direction, I do believe it is a process, and for me part of my anger is justifiable because it really is towards the religious "spirit" and mentality that those other bro. and sis's in Christ have, a demonic power is over their minds and a spirit of religion and legalism and control and self-righteousness is on them.....and since you have Christ in you, and he opposes the proud, the self-righteous, you may be naturally inclined to be on the defense a bit......anyway, hope that helps ..I know what you mean about the stress, it's hard......hang in there bro!!!

Aida said...

Matthew, I'm glad you brought up this topic and I can relate to what you said. I don't tend to have a problem loving the "regular" believers but, as soon as I find out someone is a pastor, I can feel resentment inside. I may not let it show but it's there none the less.

I still attend Sunday morning meetings with a Presbyterian group which means I have to come in contact with their pastor. That resentment is there regarding him as well as feelings of intimidation. I don't talk to him much and he seems like a nice person but that pastor title and all of the stuff that goes with it really bothers me.

I feel this has gotten a little better since I'm coming to understand that pastors are in as much bondage as the people. What bothers me is that they have the power to set the people free and they won't do it. However, only free people can share freedom with those who are in bondage. So until they've tasted of freedom themselves, they really can't set the people free nor will they recognize the need.


Daelon said...


Bless you, sister. I definitely relate to what you go through!!! lol

I can be somewhat hostile in mind toward pastors. I'm easily irritated by those exact things you mentioned. I'm easily intimidated and feel resentment toward them because of words they have said that have made me afraid or whatnot. But I do think that the enemy can get behind that fear and try to cause dissension which is what I'm dealing with at the moment.

I try to understand that they are in bondage as well and go through that constant anxiety as I did, but I still feel resentment towards them as I do not want people to askew my understanding of the love God has for me or the grace that is in Christ Jesus. I'm very defensive in my mind.

Daelon said...

Hi Bino,

I'm proud that you stood your ground!! I've not been through anything like that. When I speak about grace, they're very receptive. However, I still hear things that really rub me the wrong way at times from some people in the other home groups.

The group I'm in and the other one I've visited are wonderful. They are always here for me and go out of their way to help me. I think at times I over-analyze their words.

Daelon said...


The one thing I love about you is your warrior spirit for Jesus' grace!!! I imagine I would feel very safe with you and Julie if we were confronted with legalists lol.

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I'm lifted up every time I hear from you.