Friday, June 12, 2009

Multiple Issues

I went from extremely busy to extremely NOT busy.

I've not yet found another job. I've put in applications, but so far, nothing.

I dislike being busy, but I enjoy working. Work is a great way to express the Life of God by self-control, organization and being productive. I enjoy working--I just don't enjoy stress.

I'm not familiar with being busy and so it's a big change for someone who, since he has been a Christian, has had all the time in the world to daydream and, 'practice the presence of God'.

Too heavenly minded for no earthly use? Personally, I don't think one can be too heavenly minded. Too God-conscious? No such thing.

Another thing that is worrying me is that I've not been stressing myself about keeping the house clean and playing Halo. Normally I'm so stressed and paranoid that I'm drifting from God if I let go of paranoia and worry of becoming worldly.

I chatted briefly with my friend Crystal about it on Facebook. She can't relate much to my over-analytical mind. But I think her husband, Matt can. I need to meet with him for lunch soon. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow.

I worry, worry, worry that I will lose my love for God and that I will drift into the person I was before I knew God. A dog returning to his own vomit so-to-speak. Now, I know the theology among the grace people--I'm not the person I used to be.

I also know that grace isn't a license to be lazy, but lately, it seems I have been. I haven't went to the store for my mom when she asked me to a few times. I used to do everything, feeling it was my duty as a Christian to cater everyone, always, never to say no. Now I'm not so sure that is right. But at the same time, I don't want to be completely selfish.

Basically, I struggle with love and what it means to love. Who is to say what is love and what isn't? How do I know when I am loving?

I just wish Jesus would come back--or at least make a special trip for me, to pick me up early. I'm ready to go. This world is too annoying and distracting for me. I don't want to be choked by the cares of this life. This world has nothing to offer me; nothing that I'm interested in.

And good grief, I'm not talking about suicide. So don't even think that. I'm saying I want to be in a place with no distractions from the One I love.

A lot of the time I feel like all I want is him and I could go to be with him right now, knowing he would take care of my mom and my little brother. She gets angry when I tell her I'm ready to go--but she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand I would be much better off.

Imagine if someone considering me for a job were to read this blog. "This boy wants to die!" HAHA! Well, sort of. But death has no power over me, so it's not really death. We believers like to call it "sleeping". You can hire me, I won't kill myself. I'm not a loony toon. Really.

If I WERE to leave, if he did decide to take me home early as a surprise, no one ought to grieve in the least. Jesus has cleansed me once for all. I'm more than ready to go.

1 comment:

Bino M. said...

Matthew - I know. I have had the exact same thoughts. I am ready to retire and stay home and may be even ready to return to the real home. All the talk is about money, possessions, economy and power. I am sick of it... But there are times I fall into those temptations... It's difficult to stay focused. There is so much distraction out there. We live in a different reality though. It is possible to be absent-minded, but then I am afraid people might call me stupid, lazy and irresponsible. Its a struggle, brother! I agree.