I just wanted to write about something that I'm thinking about this morning. It's about my "nobodiness". I made that word up this morning. When I'm around "somebodies" I see my "nobodiness" in all it's nobody glory. I've made the point before that I never finished school, had a job and I don't even want to mention it, but I've yet to get my license. But I'm being completely honest here. I don't like saying these things at all, but I feel it's good for everyone of my friends to know and understand exactly who I am. A nobody. This isn't meant to just be me belittling myself and self-pity. Please don't take it as that. I want it to encourage you that if God loves or thinks of someone like me as having meaning to Him, how can He not love you or place value on you?
First off, right around my 5th birthday I was diagnosed with bone cancer in my left leg (tibia). I don't remember everything as I was only 5 years old, but I remember practically living in Presbyterian Hospital in Charlotte, NC for about 2 years until I was finally released, having the cancer gone into remission by having radiation and chemo treatments. And so for the next few years of my childhood I lived pretty normal. But I would fracture my leg often because my bone had been made weaker because of the radiation treatments I received. But before long, I could no longer put any weight on my leg. It started growing deformed and my leg lost all muscle because I couldn't use it. So finally the doctors decided the only other option was to amputate. So, when I was 12 years old, we had my leg amputated through the knee.
Back up to my childhood...While I was in school, I was never very dedicated. But up until 3rd grade I did give some effort. But when 3rd grade came and we started learning multiplication and division, we had a chart on the left side of our classroom of who ranked where on our mathematics. It started out at the 1's and 2's of multiplication and went up to simple division. I slowly started seeing my name on the chart getting left behind by everyone else. I felt I couldn't do it and I had no real help at home, and being a kid, not wanting to do school work anyway, I just gave up. I felt it was just too difficult for me. And so 3rd grade was the first grade I flunked.
The next year, repeating 3rd grade was the same way for the first part of the school year. But after the holidays, I really started trying harder. And I remember for the first time, I had gotten the highest score in the class on a math test. I really believe my teacher Mrs. Dove was a Christian and prayed for that year. I can't say she was for sure though.
Anyway, after that year, I did absolutely nothing in school. I have no idea why the put me in 5th grade. But I had my amputation done while I was in the 5th grade and wasn't there at all during the later part of the year because of my surgery and recovery. So they bumped me up to 6th grade. I also did nothing in 6th grade. I basically had my mom talk my way to the 7th grade. I did nothing in 7th grade and I bullcrapped my way to 8th grade. I didn't even attend high school. I went for a few months to Adult Ed and finally dropped out when I was 17.
And so my education in school really goes only to the 3rd grade. And growing up, I was told I was lazy just like my father. He didn't really want to work or anything. He died of cirrhosis of the liver when I was 10 because of his addiction to alcohol.
So...I've never had a job. I never got my license and I won't go into detail why it's been difficult for me to get my license. I am still completely dependent on people right now. (I'm being more honest than I care to here).
I am a nobody in society. I don't matter. Yet I know God loves me and wants to use my life and I'm very excited about it. If He can love and use someone like me, I know He can love and use any one of you. He truly uses the weak to shame the strong and the unwise to shame the wise.