I noticed while reading a post in Lydia's blog today that I have lost my joy in worshiping God for Him being God. Lydia mentioned being able to find renewal in songs of praise and worship.
I have it, but it's no where near as powerful as it used to be. The reason is because of my continual analysis of my salvation, questioning myself and wondering if I have really been saved. Also, there is a fear of works in me. I'm afraid of words like worship and good works now because of the continual inspection of myself and finding reason to doubt my salvation.
When God first opened my heart to Him, I didn't understand the Gospel in the least. I simply saw God as God. A beautiful Creator. One I had fallen in love with simply because He is beautiful. I saw Him in paintings and the creation itself. Landscape photographs, paintings and worship music were things that God used to allow me to see who He is and lead me to seeking the Way to have Him again. He is God, not an employer, seeking employee's. He is a Creator who created me and mankind to enjoy Him and the world He created for them.
The world became beautiful to me because God created it. The world by itself is boring, but when you see the One who created it, it becomes beautiful. I'll give an illustration of this in my first relationship. I had fallen in love with a girl from Idaho named Jamie. I hated the west when I young. I hated western movies and never had any desire to go out west. But when I fell in love with this girl, suddenly Idaho was just the coolest place in the world. I thought it was the most beautiful and wondrous place. But it wasn't actually Idaho that was beautiful to me. It was the girl I had fallen in love with who made it beautiful.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I simply want to return back to the simple wonder and adoration of God. Of course, I want to understand Jesus' love and grace for me, but I want to accept it and grow. I want to quit worrying about whether or not I'm saved so that I can worship God again in admiring His beauty seen in creation. I want to be able to turn on a worship song and feel it without wondering whether or not I'm really God's child. If I'm not sure of that, how can I ever be free to worship? I can't be in a fully functional relationship with someone if I'm always questioning where I stand before them.
I don't want to wonder anymore about whether or not I have really posses God's Spirit or whether or not He is pleased with me. I don't want to be afraid of people who teach the ridiculous doctrine of working for God. I want to worship God and enjoy Him without questioning myself!! Ahhh!! He's so beautiful, I just want more revelation of Him and His love for me.
I want to be free.