Tonight has been one difficult night.
It started off by my being on Xbox Live. I was singing to myself the song "We Want To See Jesus Lifted High" and I noticed that as I was joining a room to play with a friend, I quit singing because I didn't want to feel awkward in front of him by singing about Jesus. So I was immediately convicted and sang it again, but with a lower tone. He ended up getting offline before I could join up with him anyway.
And I realized later on after I got off that I had been ashamed to sing about Jesus in front of this person. I was afraid of feeling awkward. And I realized that Jesus said whoever is ashamed of Him and of His words, He will be ashamed of that person. And whoever denies Him before me, He also will deny before His Father and the holy angels. I've been feeling condemned heavily. I realized I needed to be more alert when it comes to things like this.
Then I read the passage about staying awake. That made it worse because I was afraid I was asleep because I don't preach the Gospel or anything. And then came the Parable of the Talents. I felt I was the wicked and slothful servant. So I went to bed.
Then I had nightmares about demons in my house, haunting me, claiming to be dead people of course. I knew better. They were doing all the things poltergeists do like slamming doors, opening cabinets, etc. They would also possess me to where I couldn't move and I would black out. Eventually, some of those ghost hunter people came over trying to investigate and get rid of the demons and I thought to myself "Oh no. They're just going to walk around trying to scare the demons off with incense". I knew that wouldn't work so I ended up trying to cast them out myself in the name of Jesus. As I did so, they would try and possess me and I would struggle to gain control and not to black out. Then I woke up at 5 something. It's 6:28am now and I'm feeling better, but I'm still worried about these things. I feel like Jesus is angry with me for being scared to sing about Him in front of someone.
I feel like a failure and a fake. I'm worried that I will deny Jesus or be ashamed of Him and will be condemned.