There are a lot of times where I feel so grounded and tied down by the world. Video games, computers, TV, movies, ipod, food and drink. Also I have the comfort of being at home most of the time with central heat for the winter and A/C for the summer. I am physically wealthy. Not according to most of the worlds standards, but I can honestly say that I believe I am very rich.
At times I feel I am being choked by these things. I have noticed I can slack in prayer and intimacy with God in order to play a video game for a few hours, watch TV, eating when I'm not necessarily hungry, and on and on.
I guess one of my main reasons for this is I get so full of the grace of God and I get excited about it and then i sort of just do whatever. I want to know ways I can channel this excitement into something productive in my relationship with God. I want to harness it and allow myself intimacy with God. But my problem is that I'm not exactly sure how to have intimacy with God. I want more of Him in my prayer time. I want a deeper experience I guess...I want to enjoy spiritual pleasures and I want to fall in love with my God, but I seem to fall short of my expectations of experiencing God's presence.
I worry about being choked by the cares and pleasures of this life. I have this thirst for God and I'm not sure how to quench it. It's difficult for me to grasp God's love like I want to. I hope someone can relate. I simply don't understand the fullness of His love for me. Sometimes I'll tell Jesus that I want to know His thoughts toward me. I want to know Him personally and seek Him everyday. I wanna know how He feels toward me when I sin and when I don't sin. I want to know what He has for me to do in this life. The basic Christian thirsts.
But I refuse to try and work up anything anymore. Religiously reading my Bible and religiously praying does not help me get closer to Him. Being a good boy doesn't allow me to experience Him. After all, Jesus said no one comes to the Father but through Him. I want to know that I know Him and that He knows me. I want to hear, feel, touch and see Him. Seeing Him in creation doesn't do it for me like it used to. I want God. I want intimacy with Him. What must I do to know Him more personally?
I originally intended to express my fears of being choked by "cares, riches and pleasures of this life" but I guess what I'm trying to do is substitute enjoying God by turning to other things?
2 comments:
Matthew, I can relate to what you're saying. Although I've been a believer for over 30 years, I've just recently begun to understand this life of grace. Although this is the best it's ever been, like you, I hunger for a greater depth of intimacy with Father.
I’ve also found that reading my Bible, praying and the other religious activities that I do don’t seem to bring the desired results. There are moments when I experience his life in a greater measure but it doesn't last and it never seems to come up to the level that I’ve heard others talk about.
Unfortunately, I don't have any answers but, on other online groups, I’ve heard others say some of the same things that you shared so I know we’re not alone.
Scripture says that, if we seek, we will find and I'm inclined to believe that. My finding Steve McVey's website and the other grace sites that have been helpful almost seem like an accident but I know it wasn't. It was all part of Father's plan to bring me to him in what the scriptures refer to as the fulness of time.
He's already given us so much and I fully believe he's ready to give us the desire of our hearts. So, I encourage you to press on as I will. I believe we will receive as we come to know and better understand his love and his faithfulness.
Aida
Hi Matthew, I think somehow you have channeled my brain because I at times feel the exact same way. Like Aida, I have been a believer all my life but it has just been in the last year that my eyes have ben opened. Let me just say this. Your not supposed to figure all this out. Know this any man that believes on him (Jesus) has eternal life. Any man who believes in his heart and will say that Jesus is the son of God, their saved. If you are a believer then you have all that you need to deal with this. What I have come to notice is that it's the simple things. Being on this Christian journey is a step by step day by day journey. You said in your blog that you wanted to channel this as something positive for God. Well guess, what you're doing it with you blog. Do you know how many people are feeling like you and feel they are alone and feel they can't really express how they feel. You've just done that for them. People sometime make the life in Christ sound so peacfeul and calm and easy. But in reality sometimes it feels like a pain. But luckily we have someone we can channel this frustration to and that;s God . He loved us so much the he even gave us an interpreter so when we don't know how to express how we feel the Holy spirit interprets it for us (romans 8:26-27). Now I also realized that faith is the key. And you probably heard these things all your life, I have to but once I asked God to open me up to to understand he did, but I had to read and pray even when I didn't want it. There is no magic trick to it, it takes hard work dedication and faith. You will get there trust me! My suggestion is that you read the one of the gospels then The book of Romans, people say that when you read Romand and get through it (with a good understanding) it lays the foundation of faith for your life. And you know it works also Ephesians. When/If you read them pray first and ask God to open your mind heart soul and ears to receive the word he has for you and to make your ears sensative to the holy spirit. You may not notice at first but you'll eventually feel a little "twinge" Also when you read a gospel (my favorite is John) read with the mindset of He did this for MATTHEW!! Now that I've talked your head off I hope this helped some. feel free to put a post on my blog "Time2rebuild"
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