Thursday, July 5, 2007

Old Habits Die Hard

I apologize if I update so often that you can't keep up. I have a lot of stuff to say, learning these new things, being so excited, encouraged, uncertain, and sooo thankful. I am timid, so when I write or when I get one on one with someone, I just can't contain the excitement of these things I'm learning. To know I'm holy and beloved even when I don't act like it. I sin everyday...where is my holiness? Sometimes I get doubts creeping in that create this urge to run back to self-effort and trying to live up to this idea in my head of what I should be. But the truth is, I am already complete in Jesus Christ. I have so much more zeal throughout the day as I do the chores around the house, pray and whatever else. But sometimes I get ahead of myself and drift in this direction in my mind that I don't want to go in, I just think I do. The deceptiveness of sin for me right now is I still enjoy the things I used to. But when I do them, I realize...Wow..I feel like crap. But I do it anyway sometimes. Nothing by human standards insanely immoral or anything, but things like letting my mind think about things it shouldn't. Like the person I wrote about in a previous post. I tell myself I don't enjoy thinking about this person all the time anymore. The problem is, I still don't fully believe it.

I sometimes slip into the old self, forgetting I'm not that person anymore. I always end up saying "crap...Father, help with with such and such." Then telling God "I don't freakin' like doing this. It's shallow and causes my joy to disappear, yet I keep on doing it."

Or sometimes I will get like the Hebrews and start to get anxious about all the things I'm not doing that I believe I should be doing. You should really stop by my house during the day, I'm very talented at irritating myself. It's quite a show. lol

Anyway...I just felt like writing that to remind myself of the truth. Writing helps with that, as does praying.

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