I feel the need to write to give myself some clarity by articulating what I'm anxious of lately. So...Here goes.
There are so many things I get hung up on, but lately it's been the issue of trust and fearing to rest. I'm not so much fearful of the if I do nothing, then nothing will happen scenario, but I'm sure that is part of it. But the thought troubling me is the question of my sincerity and the fear of my own laziness and selfishness.
I've lost my focus and I feel a bit foggy headed. I've had my mind on bearing fruit, rather than Jesus and being in union with Him through His abundance of loving grace. I've got this nagging thought that I will never change or I might prove myself to be like Judas. Insincere or just plain evil.
The reasons for these thoughts probably stem from existing sin. Mainly, my anger toward my mom. I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus, trying to trust Him to be my life, but I still sin. I still get angry and I'm no where close to agape. So then the thoughts come in...maybe I don't have the Spirit. Then how do I get the Spirit if not freely? So I immediately discard that thought. So then I think about the times when I get so excited about grace, I get ahead of myself and let my attention wander off. And sometimes I'm afraid that maybe I simply romanticize about faith, grace and agape, but I will never be a doer of the Word. I feel I will always be learning but never experiencing, thus proving myself to have never genuinely believed. I think maybe I'm just over-analyzing everything.
The root of the situation is simply my eyes are on myself and what I can do to earn God's love, rather than the finished work of Christ. I see myself getting anxious at the passage about the separation of the sheep and the goats. I'm afraid my fruit will never mature I guess. I'm not exactly sure what I'm fearful of. Sometimes I just get these sinking feelings in my heart for no reason at all. It's like an unspoken whisper that I hear inside myself, if that makes any sense at all. It's very weird. But this unspoken voice causes me to become afraid, discouraged or depressed.
It's really very irritating. I'll be dusting my TV or something and the voice will say "You love the world too much". It's always something to dishearten me. Something to question my identity. Something to cause me to doubt and fall into despair and discouragement. Its that school counselor type voice..You know the whole "You need to get your act together, buckle down and try hard". Which has always been something I just can't do. I've always been more rebellious than most people when it came to that..Something would rise up in me and cause me to be lazy toward the command. I would be discouraged because I knew my inconsistency. I knew in myself I could never reach commitment.
The same thing has happened in my walk with God. I've got to unlearn this lie that it's my commitment to God, rather than His commitment to me. I've never had the ability to discipline myself as others have I guess...So it was easier for me to come to grace I think? I've always been very irritable and angry toward anyone who told me I had to do something or else, and then I would be frustrated with myself because I didn't want to obey it.