Ok, so I'm having trouble with a few things lately. (when am I not?)
Throughout the day I feel I have lack of control. I sort of feel like I'm drifting. I guess it's still getting used to the transition from law to grace. I backslide into law very easily without knowing it. And I'm honestly afraid of pure grace. I guess I had this idea in my head that as soon as I come to grace, I would stand firm without a problem. I thought I would have a lot more consistency with things like prayer right from the start.
My biggest fear is that I'm just drifting, not really doing anything. I want to have deep fellowship with God. Always thinking of Him and obsessed with Him. I want Him, but I don't allow myself to have Him, because my flesh is screaming to be fed.
I feel out of control and between two worlds. One foot in law and one foot in grace. It's like grace still hasn't fully sunk in yet. I'm not sure. It's this most difficult thing in the world. About like threading a needle. No wonder Jesus said the Gate is narrow and the Way is difficult. I constantly feel the need for guilt and condemnation, because I feel without it, I will just sin like the devil. And I worry that if pure grace sets in, I will drift.
I know that is wrong. But it just hasn't been totally absorbed into my being yet. If that makes sense.
On top of that...I have a lot of fears. One being I haven't been to church in a few weeks. The other is this voice saying "People don't like you". "They know you're evil".
It's ridiculous really.
3 comments:
Matthew, I just want to say that it's not ridiculous at all. I most certainly relate to what you're saying here. To choose to trust and believe, when your flesh is screaming that you need to do something and do it NOW, is warfare at times, especially in the transition. Give yourself a gift today - permission to be loved unconditionally and completely by your Abba, who knows you best. You are a child of the King, you belong to Him. He's your Papa and you're not evil. There's not some mystery yet to be disclosed about you. He knows every hair on your head and you are the apple of His eye! He loves you, ya know. And all your fellow grace walkers do too. :o)
Hey Sheryl,
Thank you for all your encouragement. You are a true friend. One I'm not worthy of.
You're so welcome, Matthew! Thank you for your kind words. :o)
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