Monday, April 13, 2009

I feel like I am losing it. Lately I have been so irritable. I've just been so focused on getting done at work so I can get home and then I want everyone to leave me alone so I can rest. I've been extremely irritable with my mom, biting back at her if she asks me too many questions. It's like I am receiving all this grace teaching lately, but nothing is happening. I seem to be getting worse. I am not attending Sunday meetings, I'm not reading my Bible very often, I'm not praying for others very much, I'm listening to music I used to listen to, I am not being so worried about how good I am living and I feel like I am falling away. I know the theory that if I keep feeding on Christ, continue in grace, HE will live through me...But right now I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. A part of me wants to be like I used to be, so focused on self and how good I am, but I can't go back. I just don't have the motivation or energy to go back to it. I feel like the dog constantly trying to chase down cars, only to have one stop and let me catch it. Now I don't know what to do. My first year or so being a Christian, I kept trying to chase God, trying to earn his love and delight in me. Now I have it...Now what? If I am not being good in order to get him to love me, then what now is my motivation? I know the theory. My motivation is to be grace. But right now I just don't feel any desire to be busy in service. I am very selfish lately.


Bino M. said...

Matthew - Love you, brother!

lydia joy said...

Baby Boo ~ Hang in there!! We focus on the root, not the fruit my brother!! You are not alone!! Will be prayin...........!!

Big Hugs!!!!

John Fincher said...

Did you see my post on spiritual warfare?

Have you thought about the fact that you might be under spiritual attack?

He also wants you to believe that by your BEHAVIOR that you are falling away. Brother, you are NOT falling away.

You are going thru a period of growth and the adversary knows it.

I will keep you in my thoughts.


Jamie said...

Ahhhh, Boo....

Let Jesus love on you REAL BIG. Choose to believe in HIS OVERWHELMING LOVE! CHOOSE TO BELIEVE& REST!


Going Goofy said...

Sometimes after a mountaintop experience we "feel" that we plunge to the pit. You want to go back to the old you but you find that the old you doesn't fit anymore. You try it on for a while but realize how much space Jesus has taken up in you and that there is no longer room for the old things because He has made you new.
Praying for you.