Monday, April 13, 2009
I feel like I am losing it. Lately I have been so irritable. I've just been so focused on getting done at work so I can get home and then I want everyone to leave me alone so I can rest. I've been extremely irritable with my mom, biting back at her if she asks me too many questions. It's like I am receiving all this grace teaching lately, but nothing is happening. I seem to be getting worse. I am not attending Sunday meetings, I'm not reading my Bible very often, I'm not praying for others very much, I'm listening to music I used to listen to, I am not being so worried about how good I am living and I feel like I am falling away. I know the theory that if I keep feeding on Christ, continue in grace, HE will live through me...But right now I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. A part of me wants to be like I used to be, so focused on self and how good I am, but I can't go back. I just don't have the motivation or energy to go back to it. I feel like the dog constantly trying to chase down cars, only to have one stop and let me catch it. Now I don't know what to do. My first year or so being a Christian, I kept trying to chase God, trying to earn his love and delight in me. Now I have it...Now what? If I am not being good in order to get him to love me, then what now is my motivation? I know the theory. My motivation is to be grace. But right now I just don't feel any desire to be busy in service. I am very selfish lately.