So, God is deepening my relationship with Him through Christ Jesus. It is hard to remember that good behavior doesn't cause God to love you more than He already does. Christ has made me "acceptable in the beloved." I can't add anything to that and it hurts my human mind because it is a total reversal in thinking. Faith, in a way, is hard work. It isn't physical (though physical actions will result from it) but it is the most simple, most complicated work there is. Especially when you're basically sitting at home most of the time learning simple stuff. We always want to go straight for the big things I guess.
So, the most important thing for me to realize is "It is all small to God." and my behavior has nothing to do with making myself acceptable or lovable in the sight of God. Jesus is my Savior. I don't save myself, nor do I add anything to what He has done. "Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh?"
I'm glad not to have my own righteousness. Which would be painfully pitiful. Yet..I still see myself wandering away and trying to make myself better or more presentable rather than to stay humble and acknowledge that not only do I need help..But I am completely dead without God working in me.
But writing about this helps me pinpoint my problem and find the source of my discomfort. So if I write about the same thing over and over...It's probably because I'm just going through it myself and figuring out what I need to do. (or not do)