Sunday, March 18, 2007

Faith. Fahti? htiaf? FAITH!

I'm feeling kind of tired at the moment. It was a rough night with stressful dreams, as usual.

I'm trying to learn how to deal with my anger and irritability. I can suppress it myself a little while, but in the end, I always end up being a failure, feeling exhausted, discouraged and completely drained. Then I feel condemned and it takes a few more days to get my mind refocused on Christ and to start all over again. I'm trying not to do that again, but it's hard. I can pray and pray about it, but anytime I'm irritated, I feel my flesh rise up and want to lash out. It has gotten much better since I became a believer..It's more just irritable attitudes sometimes now, but it still frustrates me. I hate it.

Sometimes I just wish people wouldn't aggravate me so bad. But I know that isn't the solution. I need to find the solution to my own problem with irritability.

I get sick of being inconsistent, lazy, fearful and faithless. Some days I feel like I can move mountains, other days I feel like I want to crawl in a dark place so I don't have to look at how filthy I am anymore.

But, thank God that my acceptance is not based on my performance, but on Christ's.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jesus...Sometimes I have nothing left in me but the words "have mercy". But the thing is...I'm not really going through anything hard..and that's the problem. I don't know how to have faith if I am not going through hard situations.

It is one insane mind maze. I just don't have the brain power or wisdom to work it all out in my head. My battlefield is my mind. I'm used to physical battles. I wish it were something like a physical injury or a broken heart or stress over finances..something I could see.

I can't see anything sometimes. I even forget how to have faith. How stupid is that?

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