I despise these clouds of condemnation that come over me, yelling at me that I am not a doer of the Word and I am a hypocrite and I do not have faith in Christ. I don't want to be a people pleaser, but I don't want people to be angry with me. Especially those I love. I'm thankful no one has gotten angry at me for my faith, but I'm scared I will offend someone and then try to compromise my morals for their sake. I know I'm stupid and weak and mess up all the time. I hate messing up. I hate being a failure..I hate being a coward. But at the same time, I do get scared and I do want to crawl into a hole and hide.
"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
There is also another voice in my head. These voices are not audible, nor are they words of thought..But the voice basically says to me "You know the Truth". But it isn't as strong as the one screaming condemnation.
I know the truth..why am I afraid? Spurgeon said it best I think: "Thou art not saved because thou art righteous. Did Christ not die to save sinners?"
I don't want people to think I am a fake, but at the same time I don't want to care what they think. I love God and I want to follow Christ. I am not perfect by any means, but I don't enjoy being imperfect. I don't try to use the whole "I'm not perfect" as a cop out Christian excuse either. I literally mean I'm not perfect and I can't bear it sometimes. I don't do all the right things, I don't pretend never to be a hypocrite, because I am always learning, growing and changing..Yes, I am a hypocrite. I despise it when I catch myself being hypocritical. I despise being imperfect and I despise being inconsistent in being consistent to strive toward perfection. I get tired at times and just feel the need to yell out "Father, have mercy, I'm a worthless sinner!"
Regardless of all this, Jesus is where the tension subsides. He just gently, through His Spirit, tells me to trust Him and His perfection and not my own.
Thank you, Lord Jesus.