Tuesday, March 13, 2007

"The evil that I will not to do, that I practice."

So, I'm kinda having a rough time in focusing. I am pretty diligent in reading the Word but I'm having a difficult time "feeling" like I am being a doer of the Word. I'm irritable lately..Not angry or anything, but irritable. It really frustrates me because I can't get focused on chilling out my tone of voice toward mom..It's partly due to me tired of being in the house all the time which makes me bored and in turn, makes me sleepy and that makes me irritable because I don't feel like talking to anyone or answering questions if I can't wake up. I irritate myself a lot with it and feel like God is frowning on me, which is of course ridiculous. The Word says that is the Spirit inside me telling me I'm acting out of my true identity in Christ. I feel really uncomfortable when it happens. Not sick or anything..Just uncomfortable and uneasy, yet I continue in it after I confess it over and over. I always end up going back to half heartedly cleaning the house and being irritable with mom. I feel a lot like Cheyenne in the TV show Reba. There is an episode where she is pregnant and moody and yells at her husband Van across the room and says "Stop breathing down my neck". I sort of feel the same way with people when I'm in this mentality of just frustration from lack of self-control of my behavior.

I'm not so much legalistic. I just hate not being able to be perfect..I know I can't be perfect and I know the Christian life isn't about being perfect, but the Spirit of Christ is perfect and it hates the flesh and the flesh hates the Spirit.

Writing helps me understand what I'm feeling and what is wrong, so if no one reads this, I don't care. It helps me with understanding myself.

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