I have discovered something about myself after listening to a sermon on Grace Walk Radio.
I discovered that I have been guilty of being a theologian and not someone who really walks by faith in the grace of God. I accepted doctrine, but I didn't have it yet. I was walking by fear, hoping to receive grace. Trying to touch it, trying to arrive by prayer, Bible reading, holiness. I realize the only way to have it, is to take it. I don't want theology anymore, I want life. I don't want to accept the idea of by grace through faith, I want to live it.
That is pretty scary to me, to know I have had things in my head, but not in my heart. Grace is very scary. You learn discomforting things about yourself. We try to arrive there by dedication, but we don't ever get there because we don't take it. Whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Jesus' sake will find it. Trust, come, drink, live. Take it. Give up trying and just take Jesus freely. Stop the working, stop all the praying, Bible reading and efforts to grow closer to God and realize He right in the midst of you. Just take Him.
I'm not saying not to pray and read the Bible, I'm saying quit relying on those things to improve your relationship. Rely on Jesus, then you will desire it. He puts His Spirit in us and CAUSES us to walk in His ways. We do nothing but desire, trust, receive, take love, cherish and stare at it all day long, with our mouths hanging wide open watering, in part disbelief that we have the greatest treasure in the world. God is our possession and we are His.
"As you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in Him." Walk in Him the same way you receive Him. It's as easy as faith. Don't focus on your faith, just look to Jesus and welcome the righteousness He freely gives. Realize you're not worthy, and don't even try to walk worth. Just take it and let it transform you from the inside. Stop scrubbing the outside of the dish and let Jesus wash you and change you.