I believe I may cause myself to go insane.
I keep thinking about this person I don't love anymore. It's more of an annoying desire of the flesh that wants to reminisce, but I despise it. I honestly get sick when I start thinking about it, because I sincerely do not want them in my life anymore. I mean, I pray for these people and all, but other than that, I want nothing to do with them and they want nothing to do with me.
I think it's more of an addiction. I loved this girl for so long and thought about her so much, she has been burned into my brain and has left one huge scar. I do not love her. I do not want her at all. I honestly don't, but I keep thinking about her. There is no word I know to describe it. I feel so uncomfortable in this world sometimes now. There are times when I just can't find comfort and I have that uneasy home sick feeling. I know it's a sin to be thinking of her so much, wanting to get in touch with her to tell her how much better off I am and to brag. Not that she would care at all (I wouldn't either), but there is that side of me that wants her to want me. Revenge I guess? I have no idea, but I hate this. I just want to have Jesus in my heart and no one else, you know? It feels like idolatry.
I can't focus on God right now. Whenever that happens, I can't explain it, but I have no peace. If I can't get my eyes on Him, I have no peace. I feel anxious and I do things I hate. It's like the bitter sweet feeling when I think of her, only without the sweet part.
I want nothing to do with her. Why do I keep torturing myself with thinking about her? I have no desire for her at all.