Friday, June 29, 2007

I have the brain of a woman

I believe I may cause myself to go insane.

I keep thinking about this person I don't love anymore. It's more of an annoying desire of the flesh that wants to reminisce, but I despise it. I honestly get sick when I start thinking about it, because I sincerely do not want them in my life anymore. I mean, I pray for these people and all, but other than that, I want nothing to do with them and they want nothing to do with me.

I think it's more of an addiction. I loved this girl for so long and thought about her so much, she has been burned into my brain and has left one huge scar. I do not love her. I do not want her at all. I honestly don't, but I keep thinking about her. There is no word I know to describe it. I feel so uncomfortable in this world sometimes now. There are times when I just can't find comfort and I have that uneasy home sick feeling. I know it's a sin to be thinking of her so much, wanting to get in touch with her to tell her how much better off I am and to brag. Not that she would care at all (I wouldn't either), but there is that side of me that wants her to want me. Revenge I guess? I have no idea, but I hate this. I just want to have Jesus in my heart and no one else, you know? It feels like idolatry.

I can't focus on God right now. Whenever that happens, I can't explain it, but I have no peace. If I can't get my eyes on Him, I have no peace. I feel anxious and I do things I hate. It's like the bitter sweet feeling when I think of her, only without the sweet part.

I want nothing to do with her. Why do I keep torturing myself with thinking about her? I have no desire for her at all.

1 comment:

Joel Brueseke - Grace Roots said...

Hey Matthew!

I just want you to know that you are far from alone in this! I've had my share of obsessions and mindsets that I thought I'd never be able to shake, but eventually I moved on and everything turned out ok. There were many "what if's" (what if it would have turned out different) and also many times like you mention where you don't really want someone - you just want them to want you.

Bill Gillham might say you have your "feeler" overextended. :) To which I can fully relate. In his book, "What God Wishes Christians Knew About Christianity," he writes:

"Too often our feelings - rather than God's word - become the controlling factor in our lives. We must count the facts about ourselves as true as declared by God, not as declared by our feelings and the world-system programming of the thoughts we process. As we consistently walk in the "light" (truth of God's word) and by the life of the Spirit of Christ through us, God will begin to develop a sense of reality within us of what is already true about our identity - that we are literally new creations in Christ."

This way of life - learning to walk according to our new identity as opposed to how we feel moment by moment - is an ongoing, lifelong process, I believe. I know I've overcome a lot, but I still have a lot more to do! My words to you right now, Matthew, would be something Steve McVey said when he was at my church a couple of years ago. He said that if he could sum up the messages he had preached throughout the weekend, he would say these words: "Lighten up." :)

It's very hard to live this life in Christ if we're worried about if and how we'll ever overcome some of the things we go through. And I know that at the time, it's hard to just let go and lighten up. But God's grace is fully sufficient to help you overcome the things that go on in your thought life. It does take time, but it does happen. :)