Tuesday, June 5, 2007

if i am a christian, anyone can be one

I want to take this time to search myself and write about what is inside of me. The things that I'm afraid of, worry about and am anxious over.

I am a constant worrier, doubter, over-analyzing, fearful, lazy hypocrite.

I want so much to have security with God. To know I am a true Christian, to know I love God, to know I am not going to hell, to know that God accepts me and that I am not a wicked and lazy servant.

Nearly all my life I have been lazy. I have never really had any self-discipline. I don't have a job, car or an education at this time. I feel worthless. I've tried to preach the gospel to a few people in the year I've been a Christian. I worry that I will never break out of my timidity and do God's work, thus proving to myself that I am a wicked and lazy servant. I see what Jesus says about the man who dug his talent in the ground, the people who were unfaithful, etc...I just see myself in everyone one of those scenarios. I feel worthless, like I will never break free from fear which causes laziness. I am completely selfish and self-centered. I do right things with wrong motivations. It makes me afraid to read the Word, because my imperfections are under this bright light. I see how filthy I am...I pray everyday that God changes me and makes me receive His love, love Him more, give me freedom from anxiety, fear and laziness. But few things change.

Sometimes I am certain I am not a Christian. I am terrible..I am a huge mess. So huge, I don't know what to work on next. I know I should be focusing on Christ, but when in my house all week, I have a lot of time to think. I have a lot of time to see how small, feeble and puny my faith is. How could I be saved? Is the question I ask myself constantly. I'm afraid of Jesus returning. I know my works...I'm worried He will tell me I have been wicked and lazy, then I worry that He isn't like that, but I will think He is, and when He shows up, He will tell me I shouldn't have worried so much, but now it's too late.

I am addicted to caring about what people think of me. I am so self-centered, it makes me sick. I don't try my best. I worry. I don't do everything whole heartedly. I do get into moments where I want to watch tv and I don't want to pray or read God's Word. I constantly search for assurance of salvation on the internet, in books, in questioning people. When I pray, I don't think I have enough faith for Him to do anything. I can be very cynical and irritable. I have quit some sins, but probably for the wrong reasons. I'm too afraid to knock on doors to give the gospel.

I was at the grocery store parking lot the other day, listening to music while mom was inside picking up a few things. I thought how wonderful it would be if I just went in front of the store and started yelling out the gospel. But I couldn't do it...I'm a coward. I can't even bring myself to walk to my friends Don and Susanne's house down the road, whom I go to church with because I am afraid they won't want me there or I won't know what to say, or I will be a bore to them. Something. I am afraid of something and I don't know what it is. I am even afraid of being afraid.


I feel like I need to stop now.

2 comments:

The Lewis Family said...

Hey,

Amazingly refreshing to hear of your Journey. Hard to believe nobody has put any comments.

Anyway, my name is Dan. My wife and I came across your blog this evening...He led us. He has put you on our hearts...

Do not despair...give Him the ring Frodo...and Lift your eyes...for the Eagles come...

May the Reality of Jesus and the reality of what He has done shine like the brightness of the Sun...

peace be upon you...truly...

talk to you later...

Dan and Rebecca

Daelon said...

That is very encouraging. Thanks so much. Someone has definitely been praying, because I just cracked last night and decided I am not going to focus on anything but Jesus and what He has done. He is the only way to peace and salvation. The parable of the Ten Minas has helped in showing me that. In that parable, Jesus is warning against the very thing I was going through. Thank you all again so much.