I want to take this time to search myself and write about what is inside of me. The things that I'm afraid of, worry about and am anxious over.
I am a constant worrier, doubter, over-analyzing, fearful, lazy hypocrite.
I want so much to have security with God. To know I am a true Christian, to know I love God, to know I am not going to hell, to know that God accepts me and that I am not a wicked and lazy servant.
Nearly all my life I have been lazy. I have never really had any self-discipline. I don't have a job, car or an education at this time. I feel worthless. I've tried to preach the gospel to a few people in the year I've been a Christian. I worry that I will never break out of my timidity and do God's work, thus proving to myself that I am a wicked and lazy servant. I see what Jesus says about the man who dug his talent in the ground, the people who were unfaithful, etc...I just see myself in everyone one of those scenarios. I feel worthless, like I will never break free from fear which causes laziness. I am completely selfish and self-centered. I do right things with wrong motivations. It makes me afraid to read the Word, because my imperfections are under this bright light. I see how filthy I am...I pray everyday that God changes me and makes me receive His love, love Him more, give me freedom from anxiety, fear and laziness. But few things change.
Sometimes I am certain I am not a Christian. I am terrible..I am a huge mess. So huge, I don't know what to work on next. I know I should be focusing on Christ, but when in my house all week, I have a lot of time to think. I have a lot of time to see how small, feeble and puny my faith is. How could I be saved? Is the question I ask myself constantly. I'm afraid of Jesus returning. I know my works...I'm worried He will tell me I have been wicked and lazy, then I worry that He isn't like that, but I will think He is, and when He shows up, He will tell me I shouldn't have worried so much, but now it's too late.
I am addicted to caring about what people think of me. I am so self-centered, it makes me sick. I don't try my best. I worry. I don't do everything whole heartedly. I do get into moments where I want to watch tv and I don't want to pray or read God's Word. I constantly search for assurance of salvation on the internet, in books, in questioning people. When I pray, I don't think I have enough faith for Him to do anything. I can be very cynical and irritable. I have quit some sins, but probably for the wrong reasons. I'm too afraid to knock on doors to give the gospel.
I was at the grocery store parking lot the other day, listening to music while mom was inside picking up a few things. I thought how wonderful it would be if I just went in front of the store and started yelling out the gospel. But I couldn't do it...I'm a coward. I can't even bring myself to walk to my friends Don and Susanne's house down the road, whom I go to church with because I am afraid they won't want me there or I won't know what to say, or I will be a bore to them. Something. I am afraid of something and I don't know what it is. I am even afraid of being afraid.
I feel like I need to stop now.