Monday, June 18, 2007

I hate it when I can't blame others

I was thinking just now and I realize growing up, I somehow got this idea of a Christian in my head that if you are a Christian, then you are to stay away from sin and sinners like the bubonic plague.

I also see something else in me that I hate. Sometimes, when I am around my Christian friends, I feel that they are uptight and are judging me, so I need to act holy, but I realize it is actually myself who is uptight and being so critical of myself. Everyone else is just laughing and having a good time. I am the one who is self-righteous. Usually, the most prideful people you will find are the shy ones.

I am the one who causes these feelings of inadequacy, feeling like people are looking down on me because I sin, when really it's just me being paranoid, which causes me to stress out. Then I try to figure out where this mindset came from and why I am like this. I really don't know. If I could change it, I would. It will change, but it will not be in my timing, but God's.

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